DUBIOUS HONOR

Reign in Blonde is a wonderful metal blog produced by two women (Elise and Julia), with assistance from a more-or-less regular guest contributor (Angela). I’ve been visiting that site every day for most of the last year. Along with Metal Sucks, it was the blog that inspired us to start our own. If perchance you’ve never visited RiB, quit fucking around and do it.

At the beginning of this year, RiB started a new tradition called “Panty Raid!” They issued an open invitation to people with testicles to submit metal-related guest posts, and they’ve picked one each month to feature and praise on their WALL OF PAIN. Because I like RiB, because I’m a  compulsive, Type-A, competitive asshole, and because I have testicles, I fell for it.

So, beginning a couple months ago I started writing a few words here and there when I had nothing more pressing or interesting to do (i.e., most days). I pretended I was a psychoanalyst, trying to infer stuff about the 3 contributors to RiB based exclusively on what they wrote there. And as the months passed, the thing grew and grew, like a bad case of crotch-rot. I finally decided to stop, because the piece had gotten completely out of hand. (read on, after the jump . . .)

It was way too long, it had become stalkerish in its obsessive detail, it was disrespectful, it included too many references to sperm, and it didn’t really have anything to do with metal. But I thought, what the fuck? I’ve put in the hours on this creepy piece of garbage, I might as well send it off as a goof. So a couple weeks ago, I did.

Wouldn’t you know, the RiB chicks picked it for this month’s installment of Panty Raid! You can go here if you want to see what poor judgment they’ve exercised.

I may have to reconsider my allegiance to RiB. I feel like Groucho Marx, who said it best: “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept people like me as a member.”

On the other hand, the poor judgment of other people explains most of the nice things that have happened to me in life. Why get picky now?

So, I think I’ll just shut the fuck up (until tomorrow) and say to those awesome but misguided ladies at RiB: “Thank you.”

(Please hold your applause until the encore.)

In Flames: Cloud Connected