When my comrades and I started this site last November, I set up an e-mail address to use for NCS-related stuff. It took about 6 months for the spam to start polluting my new in-box. I guess it’s remarkable that it took so long, but it’s now happening. Recently, I got a string of three e-mails in almost as many days that were so choice, both individually and in combination, that I just couldn’t resist answering them.
And now I can’t resist sharing the exchanges. This isn’t metal, but maybe you’ll find it amusing anyway, and we do have some musical accompaniment selected for the occasion. So, without further ado, here are those three messages I received, and my responses:
FIRST MESSAGE
From: Mrs. Bintu Mahmud <Bintumahmud@ymail.com>
Subject: **Assalamualaikum…..
Date: September 15, 2010 12:34:51 AM PDTAssalamualaikum I am Mrs. Bintu Mahmud. Please contact my lawyer Ramli Sariman (ramlisariman@gala.net) for a very important thing ALLAH wants you to do for Him. May ALLAH be with you always.
REPLY:
Dear Mrs. Mahmud, thank you for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING and for your warm personal salutation, which I understand is a phonetic rendering of the Arabic greeting, “Peace be upon you”. I am all in favor of peace being upon me, and I’m sure the more people who say that to me, the more likely it will be to happen, especially when it comes from someone so obviously sincere and kind-hearted as you are, and with a direct channel to ALLAH.
We would be happy to listen to the new music, which I’m sure is fucking sick, and yes, we would be fucking stoked to write about the songs here at NCS, especially because it appears that ALLAH wants me to do that for Him.
Is this actually ALLAH’s music? Because, y’know, if it is, I am really fucking stoked that He would pick our humble site out of all the metal blogs in metal blogdom to hear His latest sick tunes. Is it deathcore? (more after the jump . . .)
I do confess I’m a bit surprised, though, that He wants me to contact a fucking lawyer in order to get the download link for the tunage. Y’know, I thought He could just plant the shit straight into my head and it would just start streaming in all its awesomeness right across my synapses without any human mediation, particularly mediation from some fucking lawyer.
Seriously, do I really have to contact your fucking lawyer? Please reply soonest, as I would not want to disappoint ALLAH with a late review and risk being turned into a pillar of salt. By the way, are you from Nigeria?
Yours truly,
Islander
SECOND MESSAGE (LATER THAT SAME DAY)
From: Robert S. Dewar <high_commission@hotmail.com>
Subject: We are Sorry (High Commissioner)
Date: September 15, 2010 10:00:31 PM PDTBRITISH HIGH COMMISSION
Metro Plaza,Plot 991/992
Zakari Maimalari Street
Cadastral Zone AO,
Central Business District, Abuja.
TEL: +234 8068477644.
Date: 16/09/2010Attention;
We have been receiving complaints from many foreigners with reference to the scam activities of African Scammer’s. In an attempt to reconcile Nigeria with such affected countries as yours, the Sum of US$850,000.00 has been mapped out as recompense to each victim.
The NFIU mapped out payment by ATM CARD as the only certified means of payment, hence your recompense amount has been issued in the ATM CARD which shall be sent to you as soon as possible through which you can cash your money.
Kindly forward to us the following information for the effectiveness :
Your Full Name:………………….
Your Delivery Address………………..
Your phone Number………………….
Your occupation ……………………Looking forward to hear from you.
Yours in service
Robert Scott Dewar
CONSULAR/DIPLOMAT
BRITISH HIGH COMMISSION
ABUJA.
REPLY
Dear Mr. Dewar, thank you for your interest in NO CLEAN SINGING. I think it’s really fucking cool that you’re named after one of my favorite brands of scotch whiskey, and even more cool that you have such a deep personal interest in death metal, even though you’re a CONSULAR/DIPLOMAT and therefore probably as dull as a piece of dried dogshit.
It’s a really weird coincidence that I’m hearing from you today, because just this morning I got an e-mail from Mrs. Mahmud, and she may be one of those very same Nigerian “Scammer’s” that you’re talking about. She implied she had a direct channel to ALLAH and that ALLAH wanted us to review his latest EP of kick-ass metal, but she said I had to contact a fucking lawyer first, and then when I replied, she never wrote back. I don’t think she was in touch with ALLAH at all. Fucking bitch.
So yeah, I think I’m due some fucking “recompense,” and I would definitely think better of Nigeria if I got one of those pre-funded ATM cards you’re talking about. That’s a really fucking thoughtful thing for the British High Commission to do.
How much of the US$850,000.00 is actually going to be mine? Because it’s going to take a lot of fucking recompense to make up for getting me so excited about hearing music direct from ALLAH, and wondering if it would be deathcore, and then later realizing that it wasn’t really ALLAH at all. Mrs. Mahmud probably just wanted to foist off some fucking emo indie crap on us.
It’s hard to put a price on this kind of disappointment, but I think anything less than US$150,000.00 would be unfair and shouldn’t really change my attitude about Nigeria. Don’t you agree?
Anyway, here’s my info, “for the effectiveness”. Get that ATM card to me ASAP. Thanks bro!
Your Full Name: I.S.Lander
Your Delivery Address: The Fucking Island Where I Live
Your phone Number: 001-666-666-6666
Your occupation: Part-time metal blogger and full-time half-wit
THIRD MESSAGE (FOUR DAYS LATER)
From: John Morgan <ajmrg@mail2world.com>
Subject: Scam Alart Call +234 8134830854
Date: September 19, 2010 5:57:15 PM PDTBRITISH HIGH COMMISSION
Metro Plaza, Plot 991/992
Zakari Maimalari Street
Cadastral Zone AO,
Central Business District, Abuja.Attention:
The BRITISH High Commission in Nigeria, Benin Republic, Ghana and Bokinafaso received a report of scam against you and other British/US citizens and Malaysia, Etc. whom the country of Nigeria/Benin, Bokinafaso And Ghana have compensated due to meeting held with the Four Countries Government and the world high commissions against fraud.
A compensation has been issued out in Certified Bank A.T.M Debit Cards to all the beneficiary’s which is already in distribution to all that were affected. Your email was among those listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU).
In delivery, we have made a concrete arrangement with the DHL Courier Company for a safe delivery to your door-step once you meets up the demand of the conveyance. We advise that you do the needful to make sure that your Card is delivered to you. We assure you the safety of the pin of your A.T.M Card and be advised to stop further contacts with all the fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed you.
Call : +234-8134830854 immediately to confirm with us. Your A.T.M Card is among those that are to be disburse from Monday.
In Service,
Age. John Morgan
Agent to the Commission.
+2348134830854
REPLY
Dear Mr. Morgan:
It’s about fucking time. I promptly answered the e-mail from your colleague there at the British High Commission, Mr. Dewar, and even though four days have passed since then, I haven’t heard shit, nor have I received my goddamned ATM card. What kind of half-assed operation are you dudes at the High Commission running?
Hey, waitaminute, now I know why it’s called the High Commission! It’s because all you slackers are fucking baked to the eyebrows all the fucking time, amiright? Take a cold shower, chug some Red Bull, get your sorry asses down to the DHL store, and get my fucking ATM card on its way, you pathetic douchebags!
And what’s this bullshit about me having to “do the needful” to make sure my card is delivered to me? Fuck that shit. I’m not the one who wrote anyone about listening to ALLAH’s latest metal release. I’m not the one who tried to get metal reviewers to hook up with some fake lawyer just to find out if ALLAH plays deathcore. I’m the fucking victim here! So, to be absolutely clear, I’m not doing shit to “meets up the demand of the conveyance”.
And what the fuck does that mean anyway? You say you’re an agent of the British High Commission, and you can’t even write an English sentence that means anything? Fuck is up with that?
Look, as it happens, I was THIS CLOSE to visiting Nigeria for a vacation until I was treated so shamefully by Mrs. Mahmud, and I would have poured money into the Nigerian economy by buying lots of drinks in Nigerian bars and purchasing hand-made trinkets to give my two friends when I got back. Now, if you motherfuckers will get your shit together and send the ATM card like you promised, I’ll reconsider. Not saying I’ll definitely come, okay? But I’ll think about it.
So yeah, just forget about me paying to call some goddamned international phone number. That ain’t happening. Just send the damned ATM card with a minimum pre-funded amount of US$150,000.00. And then go fuck Mr. Dewar in the ear. And then go fuck yourself.
On second thought, make that US$200,000.00 because of making me wait like this. Every day that passes, that needful recompense is going up!
Yours very truly,
Islander
P.S. Hey, while I’m rappin’ at you like this, hombre-to-hombre, how many handmade Nigerian trinkets would US$20.00 buy?
********
You will be stunned to learn that I have not received any response to any of my three replies. Nor have I received any ATM cards by DHL. Nor has ALLAH seen fit to stream any music into my brain.
Here’s your musical accompaniment, from our Finnish friends in the immortal Blastanus, from their album Odd Undying Darkness.
UPDATE: I have just received the following response from “John Morgan”:
From: aajmrg@aol.com
Subject: Re: Re: Scam Alart Call +234 8134830854
Date: September 27, 2010 12:45:27 AM PDTDear Islander, You are adviced to kindly send to us, your DHL a/c number so that we foward your ATM Card to the delivery agent so that they can commence with the delivery.
In service,
John Morgan
I am composing a suitable reply.
12 Responses to “NIGERIAN RICHES AWAIT!”
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Awww, it’s been a while since I got anything from or related to Nigeria.
Lately, it’s been British lotteries or companies wanting to sell me prescription drugs, including stuff to make me bigger in certain regions. However, like all the money coming to me from Nigeria, I haven’t had anything to do with making my breasts larger in a while.
On a related note, have you had any wonders waiting for you via wordpress. I had some doozies to go through back when I was still trying to write on a regular basis. Some of them had hundreds of lines of odd keywords and phrases that would make for some rather interesting goregrind material. Or Japanese porn.
No wordpress goodies that I know of. Are you talking about messages? I’m not sure I would even know where to look for such things. No message modules show up on my dashboard.
That. Was. Awesome. I am laughing like a loon in my cube and getting weird looks from co-workers as they wander past. They thought I was a crazy and thanks to this, they now know for sure.
Thank you! I’m so happy we assisted your co-workers with their diagnosis.
“a very important thing ALLAH wants you to do for Him.”
If it’s “get a pilot’s license” I’d be very suspicious…
I’m probably on some Homeland Security list just for answering that e-mail! However, given the fact that most days I’m flying blind through life, I’m probably disqualified for pilot training.
LOL. Hilarious post. I see you did not forget to utilize your favorite word 😉 “hombre-to-hombre” lol
Btw, now I am listening to that band you posted earlier, Winterfylleth. I love your description of the song A Valley Thick With Oaks, it had a very poetic and vividly descriptive aspect that convinced me to give the song a listen while I’m about to fall asleep at my computer right now. The song is great, definitely atmospheric and melodic. Danke 😀
It’s great to hear from you, and I really appreciate your nice words. Yes, you have correctly perceived my main motivation for answering the spam and then making the exchanges into the subject of this post — a virtually unlimited ability to use my favorite words. 🙂 And I’m glad I inspired you to give Winterfylleth a listen. I don’t know if the music will affect everyone the same way, but it certainly put me in a poetic frame of mind.
Ya know, one would think Agent John Morgan would have used the same e-mail address to contact you both times. And why would the British High Commission use Hotmail accounts? Someone needs to get their shit together before they take down the scammers of the world, one A.T.M card at a time.
Or ATM card.
Consistency, people!
Damn! I’m beginning to think Agent Morgan is some kind of scammer too! Also, I just received a response from Mr. Dewar with yet another return e-mail address and yet another obstinate refusal to pay attention to what I wrote. It reads as follows:
From: scott dewar
Subject: Your mail han been noted
Date: September 28, 2010 2:49:20 AM PDT
Dear Islander;
Kindly forward to us the following information for the effectiveness :
Your Full Name:………………….
Your Delivery Address………………..
Your phone Number………………….
Your occupation ……………………
Looking forward to hear from you.
Yours in service
Robert Scott Dewar
CONSULAR/DIPLOMAT
BRITISH HIGH COMMISSION
ABUJA.
I love these dudes. I used to get a lot of their crap on my old e-mail address too. Send back some funny shit to them too at the time. Great how they can make these elephant-cock-long sentences without saying shit. You can actually tell when they’re not saying shit when a lot of words in a sentence end with “ly”. Not so much in these cases though.
Anyway, there’s a great website about this thing, called scam baiting, here: http://www.419eater.com/
Worth to check out.
419eater is very cool! Goes well beyond just making fun — actual strategies and tips for wasting spammers’ time. If I weren’t spending every free minute on this fucking blog, I would dive right in!