We don’t surf the internet much. It’s not like we’re morally opposed to the practice. Just not enough fucking time. About the only time we do it is when we go on the hunt for news items for THAT’S METAL!, and even then we usually stick to news sites. But for today’s post we made an exception, and did some actual web-surfing.
It was a reminder of how much shit there is out there, and the cosmically wide variety of weird interests people have. (And no, extreme metal is not a weird interest. It’s good, wholesome fun.) You should see some of the whacked-out, asylum-quality crap we skipped over in looking for THAT’s METAL! material. Actually, you shouldn’t, at least not on our time.
So, here we go. Three items that made us say “That’s Metal!”, even though it wasn’t music.
FIRST ITEM
Our first item is a video involving a little minx called Baroness Mischa. It’s possible that Baroness Mischa isn’t really a baroness. But she can swallow three-foot long swords. She also contributes percussion and vocals, under the name “Hemlock Hex”, for an Australian “mechano-erotic” industrial band called Psych Carni. She swallows swords for them, too.
She’s also a contortionist. Who contorts herself while swallowing swords. Yes, we do believe this is fucking metal. (more after the jump . . .)
Maybe it’s possible for people to fake sword-swallowing, but not Mischa/Hex. She’s the real deal. Guess it’s obvious, but sword-swallowing is difficult and it’s dangerous, and long-term practice of the skill can lead to throat pain (called “sword throat”!), lower chest pain, internal bleeding, esophageal perforations, pleurisy, and pericarditis. In other words, it’s fucking metal! (You can read all about sword-swallowing here.) Check out Baroness Mischa doing her thang:
That’s an eye-catching video, but we think it would have been even better with a death-metal soundtrack, something like this (but really, doesn’t everything go better with death metal?):
SECOND ITEM
We think it’s evident that Mischa/Hex marches to the beat of her own drummer — one that’s bat-shit crazy. In our web-surfing, we found another woman who’s marching to a different beat. By comparison, it seems like a more timid drummer, but in light of the very different cultural setting, it may be a statement that’s just as in-your-face. What counts as protest is very contextual.
Congratulations, you may now kiss yourself
TAIPEI (Reuters) – Chen Wei-yih has posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends.
But there is no groom. Chen will marry herself.
Uh, what the fuck? Well, you don’t see that every day. Sure, we all know people who love themselves more than anyone else. Or at least we read about such people. They’re called congressmen. And Senators. And movie stars. And Axl Rose. And Dave Mustaine. But as far as we know, they haven’t yet married themselves. But is Ms. Chen Wei-yih’s decision to marry herself a display of self-love, or is there another explanation?
Uninspired by the men she’s met but facing social pressure to get married, the 30-year-old Taipei office worker will hold the reception next month in honor of just one person.
“Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do?” Chen said.
“It’s not that I’m anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition.”
Okay, so this doesn’t seem like self-love. Instead, it seems to be a form of rebellion. “You expect me to be married because I’m a 30-year old woman, and there’s something wrong with me if I’m still single? Well, why don’t you just go fuck yourself with a rusty hacksaw!”
Taiwanese women are marrying later and less often as their economic status advances, fuelling government concerns about a drop in the birth rate and its impact on productivity.
Hell of a government they’ve got there in Taiwan. What the fuck business is it of theirs when women get married? And do you think they see anything when they look at a woman other than a baby factory on legs?
“I was just hoping that more people would love themselves,” said Chen, who will go on a solo honeymoon to Australia. Chen said her mother had insisted on a groom at first but later jumped aboard the solo marriage plan. But as Chen cannot officially register a marriage to herself, if she finds a man later she will wed again. “If I had a steady boyfriend, I wouldn’t do this,” Chen said. “it would be offensive to him, anyway.”
Imagine that! Her mom insisted on a groom! But kudos to her for wising up and getting on board the solo-marriage train. We suspect Chen will have a rad honeymoon with herself, especally if she loads up her mp3 player with some fucking metal. But, this story would have been more rad if Chen had a boyfriend and decided to marry herself anyway. Yeah, it probably would have offended him, but it would kind of establish the ground rules for a future relationship, wouldn’t it?
THIRD ITEM
Last, we come to this video from a German TV show called “Mega-Clever”. It shows what happens to a van parked behind a jet engine when the engine powers up. It’s just mindless destruction. We can’t explain why we think mindless destruction is metal. It just is. We also can’t explain why we thought this was funny. It just is. Those wacky Germans!
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That’s all we have for you today. Thank you for visiting NCS. And (surely you can recite this for yourselves by now), enjoy the rest of your fucking day.
24 Responses to ““THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 19): THE BABES WITH BLADES AND BACKWASH EDITION (and a new definition of monogamy)”
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Check out Blackthorne swallowing an electric jackhammer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VzHRTdDPddo skip to the 2:00 mark for the goods
Holy hell! That was amazing! Made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. It’s a wonder this guy is still alive.
Marrying yourself? Hmm, I think that beats the Japanese guy that married a video game character.
At least Chen Wei-yih will know if she ever cheats on herself, like if she finds a guys that actually meets her standards. To be NCS honest (you know, the brutal kind), her standards must be pretty high or she’s easily turned off by minor details, but being single at 30 isn’t the worst thing in the world.
I hope if Chen does ever cheat on herself she can reconcile and preserve the marriage, y’know, for the sake of the children.
I hope she’s gotten a pre-nup, otherwise the divorce could get messy. I wonder how alimony would work.
LMFAO. So many things to consider when you’re marrying yourself. It’s all sweetness and light during the honeymoon, but then comes the day-to-day struggle of coexisting with yourself. It’s usually the little things that start to grate — the snoring, the failure to put the toilet seat down, the chewing with your mouth open, the staying out all night with your buds while yourself is at home alone. Let’s hope she is patient with herself and can grow and compromise in the relationship.
Other than mundane decisions about which side of the bed to sleep on or things related to said bed, another thought comes to mind. What about her surname? I admit, I don’t know how it’s handled everywhere, but in many places, the wife takes the husband’s family name, although sometimes it works the other way around (or can). What is Chen going to do?
This is again part of the genius of self-marriage — you can keep your own legal name and yet, at the same time, bear the names of both spouses. And if she ever does reach the point where she just can’t stand the sight of herself and gets a divorce, she won’t have to do anything to resume life under her maiden name. The conveniences of self-marriage just go on and on . . .
And the double headed dildo isn’t really necessary to please both parties!
You can cut out one whole head!
See, you’re just proving my point about efficiency, and self-sufficiency. I think Chen may be on the forward curve of a wave that wlll sweep the world!
They did that jet engine thing with a Citroën 2CV in topgear: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuRVUmyqnjU
Pretty cool too!
That was excellent! These people clearly have too much time on their hands. We love people with too much time on their hands!
Mythbusters did a bit about the jet engine thing a couple of seasons ago. They trashed a couple of cars and a school bus if I remember correctly.
I think this must be it (the good stuff starts at 3:00):
http://videosift.com/video/Mythbusters-Jet-Blast-Flipping-Taxi-Bus-and-Plane
Taiwan and Japan are in the same boat. I love watching advanced societies crumble because people are too busy working instead of fucking.
I was hoping she’d be doing contortion while sword swallowing. You got my hopes up for nothing! You know what you must do now. Don’t give me hope-blue-balls!!!
Destruction = awesome.
I guess I thought bending straight down at the waist at a 90-degree angle while a 3-foot sword is stuck all the way down to your bowels counts as some kind of contortion, but I do get where you’re comin’ from. I hunted for more Hex videos that might have displayed more contortionist extremity, but had no luck.
Naw, that’s what all sword swallowers do. I think. I mean, I’m not expert on swallowing long hard shafts of steel, but… wait…
I was expecting less calculated motion and more Jackie Chan style Chinese operatics…
With a sword in her gullet.
And maybe a ninja fight or two.
I was hoping to find that kind of acrobatics, too. But having read a little bit about sword swallowing, I got more realistic. This is a truly brutal thing to do, with considerable risk. To me, just bending over is pretty damned awesome.
Aslong as there are batteries in the bowl I think Chen will be just happy, if you know what I mean…
I think I do know what you mean. We will file this under “Penises Are Overrated.”
Hi, my name is Blake and baroness Mischa is actually my mum!
!!!!!! Hope she’s still in good health.
She is in good health and is still doing swordswallowing (just less as often now)
That is good to hear. Please give her our best wishes, and thanks for reminding us about this crazy old post. This weekly series continued for a very long time, but eventually gave way to a different Sunday series about music.