We haven’t run one of these THAT’S METAL! posts since Thanksgiving, what with our fixation on all things Finnish since then, and we thought it was time once again to check in with the world as it exists outside our metallic island. (Finland Tribute “Week” isn’t done. We’re just taking a short, one-day break while we work on the wrap-up to that series — one more post tomorrow and the final installment on Friday.)

Some of today’s items we saw a while ago and squirreled away for future use and some we just discovered. But they all made us say, “Fuck — that’s metal!”, even though they’re not music. Well, a couple of them do involve music, but it’s not the music that makes them metal.

Because we haven’t done one of these posts in weeks, we’ve got quite a lot of goodies in the grab bag — a trifecta of stories which prove that cars are fun for people of all ages; an eye-popping video that vividly reminds us, “yes, it does snow in Minneapolis in the wintertime”; and an unusual medley of tunes from The Wizard of Oz.

But first, we have a story about the perils of French kissing. All this, plus our typically tasteless commentary, after the jump . . .

ITEM ONE

A week ago we saw this attention-grabbing headline, and of course we had to read the story. Now you can read it, too.

Wisconsin woman accused of biting off husband’s tongue

Tue Dec 7, 3:17 pm ET

MILWAUKEE (Reuters) – A Wisconsin woman bit off half her husband’s tongue during a kiss and has been arrested, authorities said on Tuesday.

The bitten piece of the husband’s tongue was recovered, and he was taken to a hospital following the incident late on Monday, Sheboygan, Wisconsin police said in a statement.

Now that’s a fucking kiss! No pain, no gain, and all that. Clearly must have been an S&M kinda relationship that got a bit out of hand. Either that or a couple of young meth-heads went off the rails, right? Nope.

The woman, 57, told emergency workers she had “bit her husband’s tongue off,” police said in a statement. She had blood on her clothing, they said. The 79-year-old victim said his wife bit his tongue while he was kissing her, police said.

Well, we didn’t see that coming. A little rough trade between a 57-year old and a 79-year old. Dude was clearly robbing the cradle with a “chick” 22 years his junior. But this is beginning to make more sense. If a 79-year old man tried to shove his tongue down our gullets, we’d probably bite it off, too. Fucking gross.

The woman was singing Christmas carols and blowing a New Year’s horn when police arrested her on charges of felony mayhem. She was being held pending formal charges by the District Attorney’s Office.

Shit, now that is fucking metal. She bites off half the dude’s tongue and then starts celebrating — with Christmas carols, no less — while waiting for the police. That’s the holiday spirit!

The victim was transported to an area hospital where doctors were trying to reattach his tongue, police said. About half his tongue was bit off, they said. The victim said his wife had been acting strangely in recent days, said the police in Sheboygan, roughly 50 miles north of Milwaukee.

We’re wondering what constitutes “acting strangely” in this relationship, what kind of warning this dude got that wifey had gone around the bend. Hand-job with sandpaper gloves? Role reversal using one of these? (Thanks to Steff Metal for that link.) Regardless, we bet this dude will be a bit more cautious before trying to tongue his wife again. We also bet he’ll be slurring his words for a while.

ITEM TWO

We’ve lost count of the number of non-metalheads who’ve told us they can’t understand why we like extreme music. “It’s just noise!”  “That’s not music!”  “What do you possibly get out of listening to this?!?” “This must be an acquired taste.”

Maybe metal is an acquired taste for some people. For other people, it just immediately triggers a connection down deep in the reptile stem of the brain.

Take this baby, for example. A friend of ours sent us a link to the video last week, and then we saw it again yesterday on a promising new Chicago-based metal blog with the fetching name of Brutalitopia. The video currently has about 2.3 million hits on YouTube, so undoubtedly we’re among the last people on Earth to see it. If you haven’t seen it, that would make us the next-to-last people on Earth to see it.  The song is “The Downfall of Us All” by A Day To Remember. Watch how bored the baby gets when the clean singing starts; that’s part of what makes this video metal. Another part is the death’s head pacifier.

ITEM THREE

Speaking of youngsters and cars, the headline on this local story caught our eye.

12-year-old driver flips car near Montesano

By The Associated Press
November 20, 2010

MONTESANO — The Washington State Patrol says a 12-year-old driver flipped his car over while trying to elude authorities.

The crash happened late Friday night near Montesano. The boy turned off his lights and sped up when an officer tried to pull him over. The car struck a power pole guide wire, continued off the roadway for several hundred feet and then rolled and landed on its roof back in the roadway.

Holy fuck! This young dude is getting a head start on his teenage years of mayhem-to-come, not to mention a head start in competing for the Darwin Awards. Wonder if he was cranking some ass-on-fire metal on this joyride, something like Death Angel thrash maybe?

Parenting handbooks should include a recommended prohibition on kids listening to speedy metal until they get their driver’s licenses. You combine thrash and the testosterone supernova that comes with puberty and you get cars doing barrel rolls. Feed ’em a steady diet of something slow and trance-inducing instead — something like funeral doom.

Lucky this little dude was the only one in the car. Or was he?

The boy, who is from Aberdeen, suffered minor injuries. His 14-year-old passenger was not hurt. The 2007 Chevrolet Aveo was totalled. It belonged to the driver’s mother. The State Patrol has not said how the boy came to be driving the car.

In light of the quasi-miraculous ending, we can yuck it up about this story. Had it ended with a headstone, it wouldn’t be quite so amusing.

ITEM FOUR

Since we’re on a roll with vehicular stories, we might as well make it a trifecta with yet another story from our very own State of Washington, proving once again that cars are fun for people of all ages. It also reminds us that cars have a tendency to make people lose their minds.

Cop on leave after allegedly having sex while on duty

By Lynn Thompson
Times Snohomish County reporter
November 12, 2010

A Snohomish County sheriff’s sergeant who allegedly left his two-way radio on while having sex in his patrol car has been placed on paid administrative leave while the department investigates the incident.

Awesome. This must make the good citizens of Snohomish County feel so much safer, knowing that their tax dollars are at work paying for law enforcement personnel of this caliber. Not only is the dude fucking in his patrol car, he leaves his radio on so everyone back at the station house can share in the fun!

The 20-year veteran was on duty early Sept. 19 when dispatchers and others heard a 10-second radio transmission of what sounded like a woman moaning. A dispatcher asked the officer to check his mike. The sergeant responded that everything was OK.

10-4!  Roger that!  Everything is copacetic! Just had a Big O that would stun a bull!

Rebecca Hover, spokeswoman for the sheriff’s office, said the department is conducting an internal investigation into allegations that a 45-year-old sergeant “engaged in an inappropriate romantic relationship while on duty.”

. . . The allegations follow two other incidents in the Puget Sound region of officers having sex while on duty and raise questions about what the appropriate discipline should be.

Discipline? They’re not happy just listening to straight sex in the patrol cars? Now they want handcuffs and whips, too? This sheriff’s office may not be worth a shit in the apprehension of criminals, but they sure know how to fucking party!

ITEM FIVE

Our next item involves the professional football stadium in Minneapolis, which is called the Metrodome. What makes it unusual is that the domed roof is made of fiberglass fabric that’s kept up by air pressure. A true engineering marvel — except when there’s a massive snowfall that causes the roof to collapse. Then, the owners think, “What the fuck were we smoking when we thought this would be a good idea?”

You may have seen the news that last Sunday, about 20 inches of snow and ice building up on the roof of the Metrodome caused it to collapse, and not for the first time. Yeah, so what?, you may ask. Well, there was a camera rolling inside the thankfully-empty stadium when the roof caved in, and the footage is fucking metal. This is short, but man is it sweet:

Credit where credit is due: We saw this item on the always amazing TYWKIWDBI. Basically, anything and everything on that site could be fodder for a THAT’S METAL! post — including our next, and last, item for today.

ITEM SIX

We also saw this last item on TYWKIWDBI. It happens that all of us at NCS are fans of The Wizard of Oz. But really, who isn’t? So, of course, we had to watch this video when we saw it on that site.

This is a video of a choir of women from the Hope College sophomore class of 2013 singing a medley of songs from the movie for the 76th annual Nykerk Cup competition on November 6, 2010. And you’re asking, what’s metal about this? It’s not the singing, that’s for sure (though it gets better as this progresses). It’s what the chicks do while they’re singing.

You may not even be entertained by what they do while singing, but we think the creativity, the planning, and the synchronized execution that went into this thing makes it metal. It also brings back to mind one scene after another from the movie, which is cool if you like the movie.

When the master of TYWKIWDBI ran this video, he said: “About 10 minutes in length; you’ll know after the first 1:15 whether to switch to fullscreen or shut it off (I chose the former).” That pretty much sums it up — except you may want to consider using your controlled substance of choice before viewing.

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That’s it for this installment of THAT’S METAL! Finland Tribute “Week” resumes tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your fucking day.