WHAT DO THESE NAMES HAVE IN COMMON: BLACK DAHLIA MURDER, JOB FOR A COWBOY, BEHEMOTH, BARN BURNER, SISTER, FALCONER, GENTLEMANS PISTOLS

Give up? The answer is: They’re all bands who are signed to Metal Blade, they all have new releases on the horizon, and they all have new songs that Metal Blade has packaged together in a digital stream emanating from SoundCloud.

Here’s the line-up of music:

Black Dahlia Murder: “Moonlight Equilibirum” (album: Ritual)
Job For A Cowboy: “Misery Reformatory” (album: Gloom)
Behemoth: “Slaves Shall Serve” (album: Abyssus Abyssum Invocat)
Barn Burner: “Keg Stand and Deliver” (album: Bangers II: Scum of the Earth)
Sister: “Hated” (album: Hated)
Faloner: “Svarta Ankan” (album: Armod)
Gentlemans Pistols: “I Wouldn’t Let You” (album: At Her Majesty’s Pleasure)

All of these albums are scheduled for release on June 7, except the first and last ones, which will be released June 21.

There is good news and bad news here. The good news is that we can listen to these 7 songs right here, right now. The bad news is that these are the only songs from the albums that we’ll be able to hear, because the Rapture is coming on May 21.  (more after the jump . . . including breaking news about the end of the world)

Yes, it’s true. No less an authority than Harold Camping, founder of Family Radio Inc., has calculated that Jesus will return on May 21, and that will be all she wrote in terms of earthly existence. As reported in the Nashville Tennessean newspaper:

According to Camping’s prediction, the Rapture will happen exactly 7,000 years from the date that God first warned people about the flood. He said the flood happened in 4990 B.C., on what would have been May 21 in the modern calendar. God gave Noah one week of warning.

Since one day equals 1,000 years for God, that means there was a 7,000-year interval between the flood and rapture.

And just to make sure people don’t squander the last 10 days of existence on Earth, Family Radio has been putting up billboards all over Nashville — 40 of them at last count — reminding people to “Save the Date!”

I’ll tell you what, May 21 is sure as fuck circled in red on my calendar! With only 10 days left, I’m putting my moral qualms aside and torrenting every unreleased album I can find, because I have a sneaking suspicion there won’t be a place in Heaven for Metal Blade. Metal Blade and all those bands will most likely be in . . . well . . . you know . . . that other place.

Actually, having now visited Family Radio’s web site, it appears I was a bit hasty about the destruction of the world.  Mr. Camping says that although the Rapture will happen on May 21, the world won’t be destroyed until October 21. So, I guess Metal Blade won’t have to move up the release date for these albums after all. Those of us left behind after May 21 can still crank the metal, at least for five more months. At least when we’re not eating each other and trying to appease The Beast.

Yeah, life on post-Rapture Earth during the ensuing apocalypse is bound to be a clusterfuck of cosmic proportions. So, I’ve got this suggestion for those who believe they will be taken up into the air to meet Jesus on May 21: In the 10 days you’ve got left, please donate all your worldly possessions to your favorite unclean metalheads so we can do our best to survive before everything goes to oblivion. Please contact me for details.

Now, back to the music. I’m a fan of the first four bands on this Metal Blade stream, but had never heard the music of the last three. Sister is a Swedish outfit billed as a “sleaze/punk” band. They look the part, I guess. At least the sleaze part.

I will say that the song featured on this Metal Blade stream is pretty damned catchy.

Falconer is also from Sweden and they’re a power-metal band who’ve been around since 1999. Having now listened to this song, it becomes clear why I hadn’t heard their music before. It’s power metal. The instrumental parts (including a very Queen-like solo) are bearable, but the singing (which includes a clean male/female duet) — not my thing. Maybe it will be yours.

And finally, there’s Gentlemans Pistols. This is an English band. It’s a rock band. There’s a bit of  punk influence in the song on this compilation; it sorta reminded me of The Offspring. But again, the music ain’t really my thing these days.

By the way, that Behemoth release is a 2-CD set featuring two previous Behemoth EPs, both of which are currently “out-of-print”, and it includes all new expanded artwork as well as bonus tracks on each disc. The two EPs featured are Conjuration and Slaves Shall Serve. Here’s the cover art:

Okay, enough introductory verbiage. Here’s the SoundCloud player with these 7 tracks. Enjoy them while you can.

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