This is not an entirely hypothetical question. It could happen. Our brothers in blog at Heavy Blog Is Heavy are giving away two tickets to the Vancouver stop of the Hell On Earth Tour on August 3, plus a chance for a meet-and-greet session with tour headliners Rob Zombie and Slayer (Exodus is also on this tour, but to ask them questions, you’ll have to get up stage in the middle of their set and see if you can get their attention).
Those tickets and passes are the grand prize in a contest HBIH is currently running, with the second prize being two more tickets (but no meet-and-greet). To enter, you just have to answer this imminently practical question: If all hell were to break loose and zombies came out of the woodwork, how would you slay them?
I keep answers to questions like this on a little notepad in an emergency kit, which includes such other potentially useful items as a can of catfood, a block of C-4 explosive, two packs of Ding-Dongs, and a used-only-once band-aid. My notepad also includes words of greeting in seven known extraterrestrial languages. In other words, I’m fuckin’ ready for anything.
I know how to kill zombies, too. Kill ’em so they won’t be coming back — ever. Unfortunately, since I’m within the secret, monolithic brotherhood of blogdom with the HBIH people, I’m ineligible to enter this contest. Probably for the best; it wouldn’t be fair to everyone else. I also know what to ask Rob Zombie and Slayer, but if I told you, I’d have to kill you.
To get more details about the HBIH contest, go here. Contest ends on July 26.
50 Responses to “IF YOU LIVED IN WESTERN CANADA AND COULD ASK ROB ZOMBIE AND SLAYER WHATEVER CAME TO YOUR PUTRID MIND, WHAT WOULD IT BE?”
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I want to see a Slayer/Rob Zombie concert. It would be great. Sadly I live nowhere near Vancouver as far as I can tell so I guess I’m out of this contest too… coincidentally my birthday is on the 4th so if I were able to attend this would be a great birthday present, but hey, what can ya do?
I could possibly loan you my teleporter. It needs a lube and an oil change and a little enriched uranium, so if you can handle that, we could work something out.
No thanks. I need my uranium for cooking thanksgiving dinner and heating the house… tempting offer though.
Never accept any offer from Islander that involves the word “lube”.
Mountain Dew just came out my nose.
That’s an unusual form of lube.
It’s got better lubricant quality now than it did before it came out of my nose. I have to remember to put some of this in my emergency kit.
I find that blood and tears make the best lube.
That’s good to know. I can get some blood pretty easily. If I listen to enough Rob Zombie, I can get the tears, too.
I just hope Phro doesn’t join this discussion until after I’ve had dinner.
I leave you guys for a handful of hours and I come back to a bunch of comments like these… tsk, tsk, tsk.
We require constant minding.
Well, I don’t mind.
I don’t mind either. Minding requires a mind to begin with, doesn’t it?
NO! We’re out of reply buttons!
Well, we’ll just have to start a new topic. This one started with your birthday. So you could start one about something like the last movie you saw, and we’ll work our way back to lube again.
/enthusiastically Ok!
I wanna rerecord singing in the rain to be “Lubin’ in the Lube.”
Grindcore version, right?
I was thinking dubsteppowermetalthrashcore…
Or maybe black metal?
Lmfao!
Surely you simply put on a Rob Zombie mix-tape and the sheer mundanity of his repetitive electro-rock would accelerate their decomposition Last Crusade-style?
I think you may already be a winner.
The last movie I saw was… I can’t remember. So I’ll just say the last thing I watched (and wanted to watch) on TV that wasn’t the music station was a thing about Vlad the Impaler.
Yeah! Blood and tear lube for when you impaler with your vlad.
See Utmu? That didn’t take long at all, did it? Particularly when you throw us an impaler softball on the first pitch.
Impal’er with the throbbing hate dong of Satan’s sixth son? I hardly knew her!
Poor Utmu. But really, he had to see this coming.
Cummings like the horde of rape squirrels who bukkaked my walnuts this morning.
^ Hilarous!
Hilarious*
I type one word and I fuck it up! I really dropped the ball there…
Better than dropping the soap.
Lol.
Or dropping your nuts in a Doberman’s mouth.
Or a vat of acid.
Or a bottle of Nair.
Or a woodchipper.
Or in front of manhating chimpanzees.
This has been the high point of my day so far.
I need to get a fucking life.
Or a robot sex doll! And lube.
Lubelubelubelubelubelube….
It sounds nice and fat and round…like horse balls.
Is there a band called Lube yet? If not, get on that shit right away!
There’s a Japanese band called manko lover that strips on stage and helicopters their dicks…
I’m not sure I want to directly compete with that…at least not without eye protection.
Manko = cunt/pussy……but me thinks they doth protest too much.
I’m feeling queasy.
LUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBBE!!!
How could I resist? And did you notice that your comment went right off this page and into a parallel dimension?
It was too slippery.
Missed the hole, slide off the crack, and feel into deep space 69.
There’s such a thing as too much lube.
Thanks for putting that image in my head…
Which image?
Lubed up dicks or helicopter dicks?
Helicopter. But now since you said both things again they both were in my head…
I don’t know where else to put this so:
Today, in the middle of my last class, I realized that both of my students (about 13 years old) were looking at each other and laughing. Confused, I glanced under the table and realized that one of them had literally pulled his shorts down to his ankles and was not sitting in his underwear.
I shit you not, this actually happened.
I’m still not entirely sure why…but I don’t think my classes are THAT boring.
*not sitting in his underwear should be NOW sitting in his underwear.
You may be the only NCS reader surprised by this.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Well, I’ll bet (or rather, HOPE) that you haven’t changed your clothes in class.
I shit you not, I swear my AP English teacher changed her slacks while sitting at her desk one day. I wasn’t on anything – I learned my lesson after completely bombing an algebra test during my junior year after getting high during lunch hour. No one really believes me though.
Please tell me she was 25 and looked like Venus. If she was 55 and looked like a Bulgarian weight-lifter, don’t tell me.