Here’s the news you’ve all been waiting for . . .
Sponsoring tours is old hat to big-boy metal sites like MetalSucks, but it’s a dream come true for us. We are so fucking proud to announce the first-ever NCS-sponsored nationwide metal tour, which kicks off on September 1 — and man, have we lined up some radical acts for this baby. It’s like a dream line-up for us, headlined by the awesome, penetrating extremity that is Massive Wall of Penis.
Some of these names may not be as familiar to you as MWOP, but trust us, from top to bottom, this bill is as strong as a big, stiff . . . uh . . . thing of stiffness. We’ve got those masters of old-school Swe-death, Thor’s Uterus. We’ve got the dominatrix-fronted grind of Trollcock Fetish. We’ve got the tentacle-metal of Raging Hectocotylus (the actual multi-orifice penetration on stage is not to be missed).
And let’s not forget about the brutal death metal served up by the inimitable Putrid Fugue, who refuse to bathe beginning a month before a tour starts until a month after it ends and eat nothing but cold canned chili on the road. Fans have been known to faint from the stench when these dudes take the stage!
We’ve also got that demented Pink Floyd cover band, Dildo Resin. If you haven’t heard their tech-death take on “Dark Side of the Moon”, you’re in for a fucken treat. And to get these shows off on the right foot, we’ve scored Cephalopodic Sperm Packets as the opening act, with their namesake fluid sound of dank, sticky, Neurosis-style sludge and their projectile fluid canisters to get the moshpit good and lubed up for the remaining acts.
Trust us, this tour will blow your shit away. Check the schedule after the jump to find the tour stop nearest you.
Before we get to the schedule, we need to give credit for that stupendously awesome tour poster:
Original Artwork by Reynold Brown | Manipulated by Dan Arena (Dormition Designs)
Thank you Dan for helping out on this project!. And now, for the schedule.
We could have taken this turgid steamroller through big cities coast-to-coast, flattening them like a fucking good pancake, because here at NCS, we’re made of money and we like to flatten. But we’re all about promoting underground metal, and so we’re focusing on underground locations for fans who don’t normally get a chance to see bands of this caliber, cuz that’s just the kind of trve metalheads we are.
Check out the schedule so far. Specific venue information and how to buy advance tickets will be forthcoming in the weeks ahead, and if we get sufficient demand, we might be able to bring this thing to some additional stops, too.
NCS PRESENTS THE FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE TOUR
9/1 Humptulips, Washington
9/2 Boring, Oregon
9/3 Weed, California
9/4 Roach, Nevada
9/5 Hygiene, Colorado
9/6 Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
9/7 Hell, Michigan
9/8 Fleatown, Ohio
9/9 French Lick, Indiana
9/10 Colon, Nebraska
9/11 Slaughterville, Oklahoma
9/12 Knob Lick, Missouri
9/13 Monkey Run, Missouri
9/14 Possum Grape, Arkansas
9/15 Chocolate Bayou, Texas
9/16 Hooker Hole, Louisiana
9/17 Screamer, Alabama
9/18 Sopchoppy, Florida
9/19 Climax, North Carolina
9/20 Boogertown, North Carolina
9/21 New Erection, Virginia
9/22 Bumpass, Virginia
9/23 Assawoman Bay, Maryland
9/24 Intercourse, Pennsylvania
9/25 Virginville, Pennsylvania
9/26 Blue Ball, Pennsylvania
9/27 Dicktown, New Jersey
22 Responses to “WE SPONSOR OUR FIRST TOUR! GET EXCITE!”
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Ohhhhhhhh!!! I’ve been looking forward to this tour ever since the Old Ones prophesied it eons ago! Rock on, dawg! BTW, do you know what all these wicked names mean???
Massive Wall of Penis — What your mother makes you for breakfast in the summer.
Thor’s Uterus — A new movie staring Arnold Schwarzenegger and that chick from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
Trollcock Fetish — The original title for World of Warcraft.
Raging Hectocotylus — The all octopus remake of Falling Down.
Putrid Fugue — The new MP3 player with built in flask from Vomitory.
Dildo Resin — A new perfume from Calvin Klein.
Cephalopodic Sperm Packets — A new breakfast cereal from Kellogs!
All in all, a rather clear, wholesome line up! W00t w00t! for ̪̘̓ͤͣ̊͆̍́͝l̶̪̤̲̲̯̣̥̾ͤ̄ͭ̊͆̚ȇ͊̈́͊̑ͭ̄ͭ͏̤̪̺̱͔a͕̲͔̝̰͙̍ͯͨ̂̑̋̓ͫ͟ṅ̮̘͚̦͔̲̗̍̅ͯͯ͋͒͠,̸̼̘͔̆ͯ̓̒͜ ̭̳ͫͥ̇h̴̳͉̟̭̲̣̦̐̈͡ͅȅ̼͇̦̱͈͓̼͍̼͆̓̿ͤͩ͞aͣ̉͒̃̽͏̪ĺ̠̟̏̍͑͒̓ͥͧ́t̓̓̈̋͠҉̲̟̝̫͎̲̥̫͔h͖͇͗̍͠y̡̟̣ͯ.̛̥͈͍̙̟̦ͨ̿̏͆̃̚̕.̞̯̹̻̹̘̖͖ͦ͌̾̀̍̎ͥ̚.͈͌̅̄̋̑́.̠̬̻̖̹̪͗͆̅͒̆̌͒̃͜ͅf̛̯̞̻̙ͭͧṳ̪͍ͥ̏u͖͎̦̮̳̞̪͉̾́́ͤ͗ͩu̼̣̝ͯ̂ͬ̈̚u̧͔̹̩̪͚͙̠̱ͭ̌̑ͪ̅ͯ̔̀͢ȕ̸̠̱̝͆͌͊͑ͪ͞ủ̷͉̻̝̤̫̼͐̄̃̿͢u̘͚͍̬̜̹̰̺̾̃́u̵̲̥̻͎͕̪̙͔ͨ̒́̽ͫ͛͌̋͞u̞̹̖̹̩͔̙ͭ͠u̷̩̪̫̯͔̥̭̤͛̿̐̈́u̹̞̰̱͇͂̐̄͋̐͘ǔ͎̐͆̓͊̊͛́ú̎̐ͦͧ̋̐҉̸̯̟͓̬͈̕ủ̙͚̂͢u̢̧͙̩̬͓͉̓͜u̦͖͖̯̘͍̗̟̒ụ̗̙ͣ͑ͯ̿̽̅́uͣ̋ͫ̆̌͛͏̴͉͓̯̭̠̩͠ụ̴ͭ̂̊̐̍̉͊͢͜u̩͉͙ͨ͋̀ͫͣ͒̓̿͊͘̕ư͇̫̗͈̘̠͚̐͋̍̀͗̑̋̋u̻̹͕̱̲͙͊͘͢͞u̴̥̹͈͖͈̱̯̿̂̆ͅụ̷̷̯̰̰̝̻̆̃͗̒́̎͞ü̴͟҉̫̩̰̰u͛̂̌ͥ̌͗͗͂҉̶̯̮̖̼̠̜ṳ̜̞͎͚̜̹̠̔̔ͦͪ̆͌͛̿̀̚ͅ
My favorite: Dildo Resin – A new perfume from Calvin Klein. What I wouldn’t give to see one of those obnoxious commercials turned into an ad for this.
But what in the world is that stuff at the end of your comment?!?
Zalgo.
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/zalgo#.Tj6QDSw3pYA
It kinda spruces things up, I think….
Yay yah! ZALGO!
I was recently introduced to Zalgo by a friend. Don’t be surprised if you see it more…
Most awesome troll ever. I saw this on my facebook page and was genuinely excited for you Islander. Then I read the poster and spit milk and cereal all over my computer. You might owe me a new laptop.
Well played, sir. Well played.
Thank you sir! I do have a way to make up for my trolling. An announcement within the hour . . .
Cephalopodic Sperm Packets!! Wow, I only recently discovereed CSP, but already a huge, huge fan. I feel like I really need to see this show. Unfortunately, the nearest stop to me — Intercourse, PA — is on the same day I’m already seeing Enslaved/Ghost. I might be able to do the Blue Ball show, but that’s a bit of a drive for a Monday night. Maybe I’ll see if I can take a vacation day on Tuesday…
(Actually, as a side note, my vacation travels last summer took me through both Intercourse and Blue Ball — of course, I’ve got the requisite street-sign and “Welcome to” sign photos around here someplace…)
Shit, just seeing those town names again in your comment cracked me up. Places I definitely need to visit.
I can only say one thing: i’m tremendously disappointed that Vagina Dentata couldn’t make it =/
Damn! I so would have included that, too, if I’d seen it earlier. It’s a tight fit with the other bands on the tour. So to speak.
Plus, I think Phro would have had a great time reporting on their performance at the inaugural stop on the tour. Did I mention that Phro has done a tour review? He has. I believe it to be his finest reporting yet.
That’s like saying the shit I took last night smelled better than the shit I took after a weekend of donkey shows and donkey show burritos.
Well, exactly!
Thanks! I have that new mother glow now!
Unfortunately, I seemed to have accidentally flushed my babies down the toilet.
Coooooooooome baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!
Fortunately, you will give birth again soon . . .
I wish they wouldn’t grow up so damn quickly…
I’d be afraid to attend this tour…
You’re going to be REALLY afraid after you read Phro’s review of the first show . . .
What, no Illinois date? I HATE YOUR BALLS!
Hey man, you’re in luck! We just added a couple Illinois dates. It will require some fast driving by the bands, but I know they’re up to it:
9/7 Chicken Bristle, IL
9/8 Oquawka, IL