You may think that NCS contributor Phro is an American ex-pat living in Japan and splitting his time between teaching English to Japanese and presiding over a vast tentacle-porn industry, but that’s all just a cover. And we’re tired of covering for him. Time to out Phro. Time to reveal THE TRUTH: Phro is a lyricist for Lou Reed and Metallica.
You doubt THE TRUTH? Well, who else could have penned these immortal lyrics from “Pumping Blood” by the infernal collaboration of Lou Reed and Metallica:
“Tied up in leather
Would you take the measure
Of the blood that I pump”
“If I waggle my ass like a dark prostitute
Would you think less of me”
“I will swallow your sharpest cutter
Like a colored man’s dick”
To see all of Phro’s moving lyrics to this tender ode, go past the jump. (If only the music were as good as the words. Actually, to be brutally honest, I know nothing about the music to this song. I would rather have a colonoscopy without anesthesia or shove hot needles up my nose than listen to this song.)
“PUMPING BLOOD”
If I pump out blood in the sunshine
Oil on the wheel
That is blasted and busted away
A nail or a little piece of glass
A little piece of glass
A little piece of glass
Swarming like bees over the air
Off the pump off the thing
The blood that I’m pumping away
Like bees over the air
Off the pump
Off the thing
The blood that I’m pumping away
Off the pump
Off the thing
The blood that I’m pumping away
If I pump blood in the sunshine
And you wear a leather box with azaleas
And I pump more blood
And it seeps through my skin
Will you adore the river
The stream, the trickle
The tributary of my heart
As I pump more blood
And it seeps through my skin
Will you adore the river
The stream, the trickle
The tributary of my heart
If I’m pumping blood
Like a common state worker
If I waggle my ass like a dark prostitute
Would you think less of me
And my coagulating heart
Waggle my ass like a dark prostitute
Coagulating heart
Pumping blood
Would you top me off
Would you top me off as I deepen a curtsy
While you yell out, “mercy”
We grow apart
Would you rip and cut me
Use a knife on me
Be shocked at the boldness
The coldness of this little heart
Tied up in leather
Would you take the measure
Of the blood that I pump
In the manic confusion of love
Supreme violation
Supreme violation
“Oh, ah, ah, ah Jack I beseech you”
“Oh Jack I beseech you”
Supreme violation
Blood in the foyer
The bathroom
The tea room
The kitchen, with her knives splayed
I will swallow your sharpest cutter
Like a colored man’s dick
Blood spurting from me
“Oh Jack, Jack I beseech…”
“Jack, I beseech you, I beseech…”
In the end it was an ordinary heart
“Oh Jack I beseech you”
As I scream out my pain
In the end it was an ordinary heart
In the end, in the end, in the end
It was an ordinary heart
“Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack I beseech you”
Supreme violation . . . Oh
“Jack, Jack, Jack I beseech you”
I call out your name
Blood in the foyer, the bathroom,
The tea room, the kitchen
And knives splayed
I swallow your sharpest cutter
Like a colored man’s dick
Blood spurting from me
Blood spurting from me
“Oh Jack”
“Oh Jack, I beseech ya”
In the end it was an ordinary heart
In the end it was an ordinary heart
Pumping blood
16 Responses to “WE BLOW THE COVER OFF PHRO’S SECRET LIFE! LOUTALLICA, BABY!”
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This has Phro written all over it!
How dare you filthify my name by associating it with Metallica!?!
….
Actually. Yah. That is fucking hilarious.
Doing this wouldn’t have been as much fun if I’d checked with you first.
True…and it’s not like my name ever had much going for it anyway.
I will swallow your sharpest cutter
Like a colored man’s dick
Lou Reed is a poor drug addict’s David Bowie, and Metallica is like a poor brain dead band. (Like?)
I guess they fit well.
(I was driving in Colorado last week and had some shitty “Metal” station on. They played lots of Metallica. I turned the rap station on. It was crappy rap, but at least it wasn’t “I’m singing low to pretend i have eeeeeemotion… I wish i could really play this guitar i HOLD! But then we’d probably just be Slayer.”
Anyone else see this? http://thatdevilmusic.net/2011/10/19/hilarious-photoshop-metallicalou-reed-hipster-album-yet/
Dat’s funny!
Can’t say I’m familiar with Lou Reed, but the lyrics do seem in line with Frank Wedekind’s work. Granted, I’m not too familiart with his works either, but it’s more than I know about Reed and his career.
Metallica can work with whomever they want, but making an album out of this is a clusterfuck. Wedekind’s works can be translated into music, but this combination doesn’t seem like it’s giving the source material the proper treatment.
Is “Frank Wedekind” Phro’s real name?
Well… some of Wedekind’s work was quite deep, whereas Phro likes it deep.
To be honest, I haven’t read any of his stuff translated into English. My experience with Wedekind works comes in the form of a gynmasium (sorta the equivalent of high school) production of “Frühlings Erwachen” (which I only half understood and wasn’t acting in it; I was to do lights and sound) and bits of some of his other works in one of the German classes I mostly attended.
I finally have arrived to the conclusion that most of metalverse arrived at years ago: Metallica has jumped the shark.
Lulu is worse than Lucas editing the cantina scene to make Greedo shoot first.
BLASPHEMY!
HAN SHOT FIRST!
Agreed. I checked it out; it REEKS of “Hey look you guys we’re still edgy and relevant! Guys? Guys?”
Oh man, you’ve just revealed the masochistic side of your persona. You actually listened to the whole thing?
If by “whole thing” you mean “one and a half songs”, then yes.
(belly laugh)
I’m relieved. I was beginning to think you were a glutton for punishment.
Hitler didn’t like it either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6tz6QYWA70
It was just a matter of time before one of these surfaced. Thank you for the lulz.