(Not to be out-done by those putrid Revolver “Golden Gods” Award nominations we whinged about yesterday, we turned to NCS Product Placement Vice-President, Phro, to line up our own lucrative awards show. The dude works fast, and the cashola is already rolling in. Those disgusting corporate fucks the sponsors we’re proud to call partners have really stepped up and are helping us make this NCS awards show an event that will leave “Golden Gods” in our dust. How can you help? Read on at the end of the nominations list.)
Welcome to the first annual “NO CLEAN SINGING Fucking Good Pancake Awards™”!
Each of the winners in the following categories was democratically and fairly picked by the company paying the largest amount of money to have its name announced live over the Internet! We’re super excited to have so many awesome sponsors who are giving us so much money we can buy enough spray paint to kill the shame-cells in our brains! Haha! Beat that, REVOLVER! You guys can’t even huff spray paint right! I bet you dumb fuckers think The Used are grindcore and Kelly Clarkson is power metal! I’m gonna rub my nuts on an envelope of chow shit and mail you my bloody, stinking nutsack! PISSSHITFUCKCUNTCOCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERTITS!!!!
BEST VIDEO TO JERK OFF TO WHILE SILENTLY WEEPING
Presented by KY Jelly™ (Slip ‘n’ slide it in!)
GREATEST REUNION TOUR THAT CAME ABOUT DUE TO AWKWARD MAKE UP SEX
Presented by Trojan’s Perforate Condoms™ (Twice the pleasure; None of the protection!)
GREATEST SONG TO HUNT, KILL, SEASON, SPICE, SAUTE, AND EAT BABIES TO
Presented by A-1 Steak Sauce™
LEAST RACIST NSBM BAND
Presented by Iron Sky™ and Zombie Hitler™
BEST CORPSE PAINT
Presented by Maybelene™ (Maybe she died with it, maybe it’s Photoshop!)
BEST ALBUM COVER TO SCARE AWAY JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES
Presented by Tempur-Pedic™
BEST SONG TO SMOKE METH TO BEFORE LOSING ALL YOUR TEETH AND FIGHTING A BADGER TO THE DEATH
Presented by Walter White™
BEST VIDEO TO PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL AFTER A BALLOON OF COKE RUPTURES IN YOUR STOMACH
Presented by the DEA™, CIA™, and FBI™
BEST DRUMMER TO ROB A PHARMACY WITH
Presented by Walgreens™ (Let’s shoot it out!)
BEST GUITARIST TO EAT AFTER YOUR PLANE CRASHES IN THE ANDES
Presented by Dino “NOT IT!” Cazares™
BEST SINGER TO FIGHT A HOARD OF ZOMBIE BULLS WITH
Presented by McDonalds™
BEST KEYBOARDIST IN A GRINDCORE BAND WITH CLEAR POLKA AND MIDDLE EASTERN INFLUENCES
Presented by the
screaminginmyheadwon’tstopuntilfeedthecrowfivetimesandimpregnateanangrylinezombiebullsemen™
BAND MOST DESERVING OF ONE LAST CHANCE BEFORE WE TAKE THEIR INSTRUMENTS AWAY AND SHOOT THEM WITH SHOTGUNS
Presented by Remington™ and Smith & Wesson™
BAND WITH THE SMELLIEST, MOST DRUNKEN, MOST DISGUSTING, MOST IDIOTIC, MOST VIOLENT FANS
Presented by Taser International™ (Don’t Taze me, Bro!) and Dove™ (Please, for the sensitive noses of MetalSucks, just use it!)
BEST METAL LABEL RUN OUT OF A MOTHER’S BASEMENT
Sony Records™ (We’ll raise prices on your albums when you die!)
METAL MUSICIAN MOST DESERVING OF A BOOT TO THE CROTCH
Presented by Red Wings™ (We’ve got your dickagoo kickin’ covered!)
MOST METAL COMEDIAN WHO WASN’T ON A SHOW WITH SARAH SILVERMAN
Presented by Brian Posehn™ (Fuck you, guys, you’re assholes!)
THE ALBUM BEST GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SHIT AND PISS YOURSELF
Presented by Depends™ adult undergarments
MALE VOCALIST YOU’D MOST LIKE TO CHAINSAW INTO STICKY BITS AND FLUSH DOWN THE CRAPPER!
Presented by STIHL™ and American Standard™
FEMALE VOCALIST YOU’D MOST LIKE TO TURN INTO BLOOD SPATTER WITH A WOOD CHIPPER!
Powered by Yardbeast™!
REVIVAL BAND WHO SHOULD HAVE BEEN TAKEN OFF LIFE SUPPORT BEFORE THEY REVIVED/
COMEBACK OF THE YEAR YOU’D LIKE TO CUM ON
Co-sponsored by Blue Cross/Blue Shield™ and Ron Jeremy™
********
What You Can Do
Here’s what you can do to help make our awards show a boffo success: In our Comments section for this post, you can make nominations in any or all of the categories, or you can suggest new categories, or you can tell us what you had for breakfast.
Credits
The paintings featured in this post were created by the awesome Dan Lacey™. Much more of his pancake art can be found HERE. If you don’t know what the pancake references mean, go HERE to discover its genesis.
Your humble editor created the last four of the awards categories listed above, which is why they are not as funny as the ones Phro came up with.
22 Responses to “NCS PROUDLY ANNOUNCES THE FIRST ANNUAL NCS FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE AWARDS™”
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GREATEST SONG TO HUNT, KILL, SEASON, SPICE, SAUTE, AND EAT BABIES TO
Nekrogoblikon – Prince of The Land of Stench
Can I make nominations, too? I don’t care, because I’m gonna do it. (That’s kinda what she said….)
BEST SINGER TO FIGHT A HOARD OF ZOMBIE BULLS WITH
Presented by McDonalds™
sven de Caluwe
GREATEST SONG TO HUNT, KILL, SEASON, SPICE, SAUTE, AND EAT BABIES TO
Presented by A-1 Steak Sauce™
Deicide – To Hell With God
BEST SONG TO SMOKE METH TO BEFORE LOSING ALL YOUR TEETH AND FIGHTING A BADGER TO THE DEATH
Presented by Walter White™
Krisiun – The Great Execution
Good choices, but I hope you got some payola from the bands for those nominations. In the spirit of these awards, everybody pays.
I cant even think straight enough to consider nominees because i am so flabbergasted by that awesomely insane pancake art. I cant even comprehend what its supposed to mean. Provocative! I also love the least racist NSBM category. This is genius Phro.
Did you go look at the rest of Lacey’s pancake portfolio? It’s so bizarre — and I have no idea what the point of it is (other than to provide NCS with ready-made illustration material).
I certainly did, and the mind…it bottles. As you said, this is most definitely ready made content for NCS, what a serendipitous clusterfuck. Gold.
Absolutely. With the history of pancakes at NCS, and all the recent talk about cats, it seems like it was commissioned by Islander.
You would think so. But it was just pure dumb luck that I found these. Which of course is my kind of luck.
GREATEST SONG TO HUNT, KILL, SEASON, SPICE, SAUTE, AND EAT BABIES TO
Anal Cunt – Into The Oven
LEAST RACIST NSBM BAND
Graveland featuring Rob “I like pre-teen girls in cauldrons” Darken
BEST ALBUM COVER TO SCARE AWAY JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES
Marduk – Fuck Me Jesus
BEST VIDEO TO PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL AFTER A BALLOON OF COKE RUPTURES IN YOUR STOMACH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehnRt3LaLUc
BEST SINGER TO FIGHT A HOARD OF ZOMBIE BULLS WITH
Kim Jong Un
Oh shit!!! I have had an ass-grinding day at work and I REALLY needed these laughs. Thank you sir.
Okay, my turn with a few of these:
GREATEST SONG TO HUNT, KILL, SEASON, SPICE, SAUTE, AND EAT BABIES TO
Cannibal Corpse – Necropedophile
BEST SONG TO SMOKE METH TO BEFORE LOSING ALL YOUR TEETH AND FIGHTING A BADGER TO THE DEATH
Spawn of Possession – Deus Avertat (forthcoming)
BEST SINGER TO FIGHT A HOARD OF ZOMBIE BULLS WITH
Frank Mullen
Glen Benton
Johan Hegg
Rogga Johansson
Hoest
MALE VOCALIST YOU’D MOST LIKE TO CHAINSAW INTO STICKY BITS AND FLUSH DOWN THE CRAPPER!
Dave Mustaine
Axl Rose
any other nominations would be pointless
FEMALE VOCALIST YOU’D MOST LIKE TO TURN INTO BLOOD SPATTER WITH A WOOD CHIPPER!
Liv Kristine. If you’ve ever read that thing she said about why women in metal rule, you’d agree.
We’d better get the wood chipper gassed up and ready to go soon, because two days ago she was quoted talking about a new Leaves Eyes album AND another solo album this year.
Ugh, forget the wood chipper, just shoot ME now.
New marketing slogan!
Liv Kristine: Killing the World, One Suicide At A Time
“BEST KEYBOARDIST IN A GRINDCORE BAND WITH CLEAR POLKA AND MIDDLE EASTERN INFLUENCES”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This list made me laugh enough to give me problems with my asthma… but it’s ok, I have an inhaler… somewhere. Just kidding, I know where it is.
OK… One is too drunk for this right now. But, let’s try this anyway. [One assumes the nominations must be restricted to releases in the 2011 or bands activein 2011]
BEST VIDEO TO JERK OFF TO WHILE SILENTLY WEEPING:
Vermicular Asphyxiation by Blotted Science
GREATEST SONG TO HUNT, KILL, SEASON, SPICE, SAUTE, AND EAT BABIES TO:
Sluts for Satan by Czar
BEST CORPSE PAINT:
Watain [maybe…]
BEST ALBUM COVER TO SCARE AWAY JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES:
Alpocalypse by Weird Al Yankovic
BEST SONG TO SMOKE METH TO BEFORE LOSING ALL YOUR TEETH AND FIGHTING A BADGER TO THE DEATH:
Time Never Lasts by Mithras
BEST VIDEO TO PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL AFTER A BALLOON OF COKE RUPTURES IN YOUR STOMACH:
Restless by Leprous
Also, this.
BEST DRUMMER TO ROB A PHARMACY WITH:
Jamie Saint Merat
BEST GUITARIST TO EAT AFTER YOUR PLANE CRASHES IN THE ANDES:
Kátai Tamás [One thinks Devin Townsend might not taste as good…]
BEST SINGER TO FIGHT A HOARD OF ZOMBIE BULLS WITH:
Mike Patton [Cause he was the zombie/mutant horde that made Will Smith kill himself.]
MOST METAL COMEDIAN WHO WASN’T ON A SHOW WITH SARAH SILVERMAN:
Let Brian Posehn take the award for himself. 😛
THE ALBUM BEST GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SHIT AND PISS YOURSELF:
Parasignosis by Mitochondrion
MALE VOCALIST YOU’D MOST LIKE TO CHAINSAW INTO STICKY BITS AND FLUSH DOWN THE CRAPPER!:
The nomination of Dave Mustaine is seconded.
BEST BLACK HOLE FART SIMULATOR:
ChaotH (of uneXpect)
Awesome fucking nominations!
I’d give you a stack of flapjacks if I could.
One was unsure of how one felt about that new avatar of yours. But, yes – it is indeed creepier than the old one.
Inspired choices! Must now find “Sluts For Satan”.
Also, Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time! Yay!
Sluts for Satan be here: last track on the album Old Haunts.
Already found it. Mind = blown.