KEYBOARD WARRIORS: TEUFEL

 

(Rev. Will continues on his mission of interviewing every metal blogger and journalist in creation with an actual personality, though this one runs the risk of making all the others seem dull by comparison. As one of Rev’s previous subjects, I just want to say, thanks a fucking lot, dude, what did I ever see in you?)

Perhaps the most greatly misunderstood metal e-zine out there on the Internet is Teufel’s Tomb. Style-wise, it is like the metal equivalent of Tucker Max (that Texan lawyer-by-profession and self-proclaimed asshole who shot to infamy in 2006 with his debut ‘fratire’, “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell”); disgustingly hilarious and exuding a personality protected by such a thick layer of concrete-coated skin that the two words “shame” and “remorse” do not exist in the mastermind’s music reviewing dictionary (obscene words are a dime a dozen though!).

Many people got and still are getting offended by the mastermind’s highly satirical and offensive writing style, which probably explains its low number of ‘Like’s’ on Facebook even though Teufel’s Tomb has been in existence since 1996, but that is actually the whole point! And from an objective point of  view, the dude and his cronies actually consistently cover many of the latest album releases on time, so labels and bands especially should not be complaining. You know what they say about any publicity being good publicity.

The mastermind in question is, obviously, also a self-proclaimed asshole called “Teufel”. On top of being an experienced web developer and graphic designer, Teufel once worked in the adult entertainment industry (or “smut biz” as he calls it), and his recollections are as funny as Tucker Max’s own wild escapades.

Who knows? If his interest in something as underground as extreme metal music didn’t exist in the first place, he might have gone down a different career path entirely and penned a book called “I Hope They Don’t Buttfuck In Hell” and shot to promiscuous notoriety!

 

Rev. Will: Do you read Tucker Max? Your writing style reminds me of that smartass who fucks just about anything.

Teufel: Yes, I have read a couple of his books and I do thank you for thinking of me as a promiscuous sleazebag without shame or morals. My mom will be so proud when she reads this.

 

Rev. Will: Many people hate your site for your supremely sarcastic and insulting humor, but that is the whole point, right?

Teufel: This isn’t music about hugging and talking about feelings, it’s fucking metal! When’s the last time you discussed the music of Katy Perry or Usher in a civilized manner? “Although I am not a fan of this style of commercial music, I understand its broad appeal.” You’re never going to say that. You’re going to say “It fucking sucks! I hope they both get face cancer and fall into a wood chipper. If you listen to this shit, I want to set you on fire and push you off a cliff!” and that’s only if their music slightly annoys you. That’s the way metalheads talk, and that’s the way we review albums. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: Actually, probably only you. Heh.]

 

Rev. Will: Do you ever feel frustrated that people don’t get your intention at all?

Teufel: If you get angry any time someone says your favorite band that sings about killing is fucking stupid, you should probably just kill yourself now; because 99.9999% of the world’s population probably thinks it fucking sucks too. Even the stuff I like I fully admit is shit, and I still listen to it and love it regardless. You can tell me straight to my face that it sucks, and I will laugh, agree with you, and crank it up even louder. I’m a grown ass man, why the fuck do I care what anyone thinks of my hobbies?

 

Rev. Will: Can you tell us how the name “Teufel’s Tomb” was conceived? Is there a meaning behind it?

Teufel: In high school, my classmates thought I was a virgin-sacrificing heathen wanting to convert everyone into goat-worshipping pagans because I listened to metal. People would insultingly call me “Satan,” and make jokes about me burning churches and sacrificing goats, which I always thought was funny and took as a compliment. One day in class, someone looked up “Satan” in the English-German dictionary, discovered it’s “der Teufel” in German, and I’ve been “Teufel” since.

Back in ’96, there weren’t many metal sites on the web, and the ones that were didn’t focus on death metal, so I figured I’d try making my own. Back then, Cannibal Corpse‘s The Bleeding was my favorite album, so I decided to make a fan page for them, listing all the information I could find about them in various magazines I had. I named the page “Teufel’s Tomb of the Mutilated.” People liked it, and wanted me to make more fan pages, so I changed the Cannibal Corpse fan page name to “Eaten From Inside” and made “Teufel’s Tomb” as the central hub for all of these fan pages. Over time, I phased out the websites and focused solely on writing metal reviews. If I’d known I’d still be doing this 16 years later, I likely would have picked a much less, or possibly more, stupid name than “Satan’s Grave.” [Rev. Will’s intrusion: Cradle Of Sterility?]

 

Rev. Will: Does Teufel’s Tomb help to pay for the bills?

Teufel: The only thing I’ve gotten out of that website is getting laid. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: OMG CAN I BE YOUR APPRENTICE?] I’m not sure how, but I guess it’s true that women really do love an asshole. I’d offer you a high-five, but I know where my hand has been. Feel free to smell my fingers though.

 

Rev. Will: What is the most fulfilling aspect about doing Teufel’s Tomb?

Teufel: Definitely the women with loose morals and daddy issues grabbing their ankles and demanding a doggy dance. If I wrote metal reviews for some sort of self-satisfaction, I would have quit decades ago.

 

Rev. Will: How do you feel about opinionated writing?

Teufel: As long as it’s done in the right context, it’s perfectly fine. Obviously it’s not something you’d write in a birth certificate, like “This ugly baby was born 8lbs and 3oz. I was pretty drunk when I delivered this bulbous-headed freak so it may explain the dents in its fucking stupid skull. The nurse who assisted me had a nice rack. I’d love to just smother my head between her fun pillows and make motorboat noises.” When it comes to metal reviews, opinion is mandatory. The dictionary defines the word “review” as a critical examination, so examine the fucking album critically, bitch!

 

Rev. Will: How do you feel about neutral writing that goes nowhere?

Teufel: Again, it’s all about context. Neutral writing is fine if you’re writing facts for an encyclopedia entry, but they have no place in an opinion-based piece like a review. You may as well just write your grocery list if you aren’t going to bother stating an opinion and backing it up.

 

Rev. Will: Which bands are the “kvlt-est” to you?

Teufel: “Kvlt” is one of those retarded internet slang words like “lol” and “pwned.” Every time I see it written or hear someone say it, I want to stab someone in the eye and shove my freckled cock in the wound. English is a beautiful language, stop raping it with your retarded Internet memes. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: Now you guys know why I have only been able to keep an eye on y’all recently.]

 

Rev. Will: Which bands are poseurs to you?

Teufel: All of them. There aren’t a lot of dragon-slaying knights, goat-sacrificing pagans, corpse molesters, violent serial killers and religious figures in the metal underground, are there? The closest to violence most of these guys have come is sipping a cup of fruit punch. Metalheads are just one step up from LARPing dorks who attend Comic-Con dressed up like video game characters. The long hair, the black clothes, the leather, the denim… Come on dude, that’s a fucking costume. Playing music that most of the world thinks sucks doesn’t make you evil, it just means you have shitty taste in music. Have fun with it, you silly bitch.

 

Rev. Will: You’re one of the rare few talented individuals in the metal blogosphere who possess excellent website designing and coding skills on top of to-the-point opinionated writing that highly offends yet entertains at the same time. Is it difficult to juggle both duties?

Teufel: Not as difficult as it is to find a girl who can not only deep throat, but also juggle both of my balls in her mouth at the same time. There’s just something beautiful about seeing a girl’s eyes water as snot and drool dribble down her chin. It’s an art form.

 

Rev. Will: Tell us about your portfolio for website designing and coding

Teufel: My portfolio is now called Crooked Designs, which will be undergoing a much-needed re-design next month, since it hasn’t been updated in two years. I’ve done graphic and web design and development for a living since I figured out HTML and Photoshop back in ’96, so that site just showcases a small fraction of the projects I’ve done in recent years. I’ve done freelance design and development full-time for the past four years, mostly focusing on development; but have also done a fair amount of cool and satisfying graphic design projects over the years, including t-shirts, posters, album covers, business cards, logos, book covers, restaurant menus and billboard signs. I’m no Pär Olofsson, but a lot of clients enjoy my work and request that I design more stuff for them, so I must be doing something right.

 

Rev. Will: Have you encountered any unhappy customers so far?

Teufel: Of course. I’ve done this for 16 years and have worked on thousands of projects for dozens, if not hundreds, of clients. They’re not all lovely people who are pleasant to deal with and easy to please. Thankfully, the overwhelming majority of the projects I’ve worked on have been positive experiences and I have many clients I’ve worked with for a decade or more.

 

Rev. Will: I noticed that many metal websites and blogs have founders who are IT experts with day jobs like web developer and/or graphic designer. Not just y’all, but also many metal musicians (especially those one-man black metal projects) often have IT-related jobs that they depend on to pay most of their bills, too. Do you think that the IT industry is a secret breeding ground for the metal hordes?

Teufel: Not really. Most metalheads are nerds who read comic books, play video games, watch horror movies and are socially awkward. Since they aren’t spending any time talking to girls, it leaves them plenty of time for self-loathing and figuring out how to do things on the computer.

 

Rev. Will: You mentioned here that you grew up in a boring small town. What sad town is that?

Teufel: Thompson, Manitoba. If you look at a map of Canada and throw a dart at the center of Manitoba, that’s roughly where I grew up. Cold does not even begin to describe the winters there. From December through February, the temperature would regularly hover between -30C (-22F) and -50C (-58F). Those sissy Norwegians, Swedes and Finns can suck my dick if they want to bitch about their bleak winters. Granted, their tongues would get stuck to my pole and they’d have to call the fire department to pry them off, but anyway…

 

Rev. Will: Was that why you decided to entertain yourself by writing in this satirical manner?

Teufel: Actually, that’s the reason why I decided to punish my liver and tried to drink myself into a coma. I decided to entertain myself with writing satirical metal reviews because it required fewer trips to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. Well… except for when Roadrunner sends me something to review. Slipknot? Megadeth? Machine Head? Dragonforce? Opeth? Ugh… I’d rather get my colon cleansed with a bag of sharp rocks and broken glass. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: Wouldn’t a goth gay pornstar’s studded dick do the job better?]

 

Rev. Will: You worked in the adult entertainment industry from 2003 to 2008. Is 5 years spent in such a career enough to desensitize one to most erotic situations?

Teufel: It’s a lot like working as a paramedic. The first few days you’re trying not to throw up in someone’s axe wound, but after a week you’re eating double fudge ice cream, while watching 2 Girls 1 Cup [Rev. Will’s intrusion: EXTREMELY NSFW!!] and thinking about how the lighting and camera angles could have been better.

 

Rev. Will: Why did you get into it in the first place?

Teufel: I’d moved to Vancouver 6 months earlier and was running out of funds and either needed to find a job or move back home. There weren’t any decent jobs in my hometown, so I got desperate. A friend of mine from school had worked at an adult company in town and suggested I send in a résumé. I did, they asked for a tour sample to see if I’d be a good fit for the work they’d need me to do, so I built a porn site tour page using midget porn photos I found online. They thought my sense of humor was sick and hilarious, and hired me.

 

Rev. Will: Not only were you the graphic and web designer for the two porn producers you worked for during those 5 years, you were video editor, content manager, and copywriter as well. According to you, you wrote the video descriptions, entered the information into the database, and put those videos up on the websites. Is this the reason why the vocabulary you use when you’re writing album reviews consists of so many vulgar words?

Teufel: I was writing dumb and vulgar stuff long before I started working in porn. That skill just made me better suited for writing porn descriptions.

 

Rev. Will: What are the porn-related words you favor and use frequently in your album reviews?

Teufel: I think I’ve used the term “docking” a few times. That’s when one guy wraps his knob with another dude’s foreskin. If I haven’t, I’ll make sure to use it in my next review.

 

Rev. Will: I’m gonna be a bastard and make you recount those horrible days! Please share with us the weirdest stories from your time with the adult entertainment industry. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: THIS IS IT, PEOPLE. THIS IS IT.]

Teufel: The work I did was almost completely in an office setting, so I don’t have much in the way of on-set shenanigans to report, for which I’m thankful. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a room after two people have buttfucked, but it smells like shit, lube and body fluids for days, so I’m endlessly grateful I didn’t have to deal with that at all. Though I generally wasn’t physically “where the action was”, the stuff that went on behind the scenes was so ridiculous and unbelievable that I stuck around just to see what kind of crazy shit would happen next.

Out of everything I did, nothing was more bizarre than having to build a website for a gay pornstar. One day, he came into the office to go over things that he wanted. Looking at pictures and videos on a screen in your office by yourself, wallowing in self-pity in solitude is one thing—sitting next to a guy flipping through pictures of him naked and trying to find the one he likes best and going through videos of him getting his butthole rammed inside-out is another matter entirely. Not only did he take his time finding a picture of his dick he liked best, he sat next to me while I Photoshopped his dick to make it look bigger. This was a normal day at work.

Another one of my duties was scanning in the model release forms and putting their information into a database. There was one scene one of the companies filmed which featured a gay bareback scene—bareback is fucking without condoms, because I guess gay dudes love playing Russian roulette with their assholes—and this one scene in particular featured two guys who had full-blown AIDS, one of whom had his arms and legs covered in Nazi and white pride tattoos. Not only that, but the guy was Jewish. A gay Aryan Jew with AIDS. To this day, it is the single funniest and most ironic thing I’ve ever seen in my life.

By far, the most disturbing thing I saw in my years working in the smut biz was gay ass-punching. Picture two guys the size of professional wrestlers fisting each other in the cornhole, up to the bicep. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: OUCH. JUST OUCH.] It was like watching a farmer pull a calf out of a cow’s womb, only that the only thing that came out was the fisting recipient’s prolapsed butthole. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: DO YOU HAVE ANY FORNICATIN’ IDEA WHAT IS “PROLAPSED”?? DO YOU?!?!] I’ve been in some scraps in my day, and I know I can take a punch, but I’ve cried just having a hard poop. Having Hulk Hogan arm-wrestle my spleen through my anus is not something I’d ever want to experience in my life.

That being said, as a hetero guy working for a couple of companies that produced some gay porn, the only thing that really grossed me out was when the dudes would passionately kiss. It’s not like the way a guy and girl kisses, it looks like two dogs tongue-fighting a jar of peanut butter. That and the armpit-licking. Don’t ask me why, but dudes love licking each others’ armpits. It’s pretty fucking strange. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: It’s just science, really. The armpits are one of the main areas of the human body that emit pheromones.]

 

Rev. Will: Did the gay chat studio/reality TV show set up by the gay owner of the first porn company you worked for work out?

Teufel: Hahahahahahaha… fuck no. I’ll try to recap this as briefly as I can. A tiny gay Scottish businessman owned the first smut company I worked for. He basically bought the company just so he could tell barely legal twinks he could make them a star if they bobbed on his knob. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: Hey, that rhymed!]

His grand vision was to make a gay version of “The Bachelor”, of which he was the star. The contestants would be models he hired to work for a gay web chat studio. The vague premise was that by day, the guys would be jerking off on webcam, and by night, they’d be trying to win the affections of a creepy Scottish dwarf in some game show he wanted to air on television.

That’s not the fucked up part. The reason I stuck around for this obviously terrible idea, was because of the following: he didn’t want to set up the studio here in Vancouver, where the employees could run things. Nooooooo… that would be both smart and easy. He wanted to do this from his château (big fucking old house), in a part of rural France that had absolutely no infrastructure to support a high-speed Internet connection, let alone a power-intensive chat studio.

He also didn’t want to pay licensing fees to use someone else’s chat studio software, so he paid a couple of programmers to build a chat program and gave them about six weeks to design, test and refine software capable of accepting thousands of credit card transactions, and customers, daily. Clearly a fucking retarded idea, but it gets worse!

Rather than hire models from France to work in the studio, he decided to fly in guys from Vancouver, the UK and the US. In my entire life, I’ve never seen anyone waste money so frivolously and stupidly. He could have just gone to the bank, given them a bag, told them to fill it up and set it on fire and it would have been a more sound business investment.

Employees from the office were flown to France to set up the studio in his house, take care of the models and make sure things ran smoothly. Of course it fucking didn’t, because the software didn’t work, the retard didn’t hire enough programmers to build a proper system, and didn’t give them enough time to do it either. It was like watching a car crash in slow motion, and I just sat there with my eyes bugged out with a box of popcorn in my hand just waiting to see how it ends. It was so fucking ridiculous.

After months of trying, and the software failing and all kinds of problems, the owner finally admitted defeat and licenses someone else’s software. Once they got that working, they finally moved forward to getting this thing going and, as you’d suspect, it took a while to generate traffic and profits. The models were there for a month or more, hadn’t gotten paid and revolted while the owner was off somewhere else in the world working on some other terrible business deal. They ended up trashing his house, destroying cameras before leaving. It was the most glorious and epic of failures, and I stood in the flames laughing like a maniac, while collecting a paycheck and hating myself.

 

Rev. Will: Were you ever raped by any of the gay pornstars you encountered during your tenure with those 2 porn companies?

Teufel: Of all the gay people I met while working in the industry, not a single one ever tried to stick anything in any of my orifices, or tried to rub anything of theirs on my dick. I’m still not sure whether I’m thankful or offended. What am I, chopped liver over here? Too good to rub your dick against my ass when I’m not looking? You’re missing out, pal. This thing is so fresh it still has a cellophane seal on it.

 

Rev. Will: What made you quit the adult entertainment industry in the end?

Teufel: The smut business isn’t anywhere near as lucrative as it was in the early days of the Internet. Nowadays there’s free Tube sites and torrents everywhere. The companies I worked for were just no longer profitable enough for the owners to continue investing, so they shut the doors. I’d seen more than enough cocks, vaginas and buttholes and just never bothered seeking another fulltime job in that industry. Hell, 4 years later I still can’t even look at my own dick when I take a piss, which explains the yellow ring around my toilet and my girlfriend’s perpetual glare.

 

Rev. Will: Would you say that the themes and subject matter that goregrind and porngrind constantly espouse are not as disturbing as some of the things you encountered during your adult entertainment industry days?

Teufel: I have absolutely no fucking idea what any porngrind or goregrind band are singing about. With the pitch-shifted vocals, they could be singing about marshmallows, fluffy kittens and the benefits of sharing for all I know. I just listen to it because it’s loud, angry and makes me want to stalk around topless while thumping my chest like an ape.

 

Rev. Will: As Teufel’s Tomb is a very satirical outlet of metal writing, it goes without saying that you probably receive tons of hate mail every day. What was the least offensive piece of hate mail you have ever received?

Teufel: Probably the guy who sent me an e-mail with the subject of “Fuck you!” and the body reading “Die!” It was also the only hate mail I’ve received that had proper spelling and punctuation.

 

Rev. Will: The ‘Hate Mail’ portion of Teufel’s Tomb is also the star attraction of the site. Does it exist solely to shame your haters, or simply for the altruistic intention of providing cheap entertainment for both you and your readers?

Teufel: Yes. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: To both I reckon.]

 

Rev. Will: Doesn’t it ever bother you that there are so many metal bands and ex-readers of your site out there on the Internet whom you have offended in the past?

Teufel: Not unless they find out where I live, break into my house and try to fuck my mouth while I’m sleeping. It’s weird how many supposedly hetero dudes have called me gay and then told me to suck their dicks because I didn’t like their band, or the music that they like. Either they don’t know how “gay” works, or they’re trying to trick me into being open to sodomy. I’m onto you…

 

Rev. Will: Do you think that it is absurd for metal websites and blogs to have their own line of merchandise

Teufel: Bitch, please! [Rev. Will’s intrusion: Hey, isn’t this an Internet meme?] If someone wants to support your stupid hobby, that’s awesome! I’m actually working on a print version of my site so people can read my nonsense while taking a dump. Worst case scenario, if you’re out of TP, you can always use Teufel’s Tomb as shit tickets.

 

Rev. Will: Here’s the staple question of this column. Personally, I feel that the metal music industry is like a food chain that starts with the rockstar/cult figure at the top, followed by record labels, then the press, the gig organizers, and then the merch retailers and metal stores all over the world. Do you agree with this view that the metal community is simply not as anti-establishment and homey as many prominent figures in the industry like to frequently make it out to be (with their politically correct stances)?

Teufel: I always laugh every time people say there’s no money in metal. Do you have any fucking idea how many metalheads exist in the world? How many metal bands exist? How many metal concerts happen every night? How many CDs does each fan have in their collection? How many band shirts are in their closets? It’s a multi-billion dollar industry. Anyone who can’t see that is either not looking at things the right way or are fucking retarded. Just because your band is terrible and you suck at business, doesn’t mean there isn’t a boatload of money to be had.

 

Rev. Will: How do you feel about bands and musicians who get iffy about bad reviews and proceed to bash the reviewers who wrote them?

Teufel: Anyone who complains about free publicity is a fucking moron. If the Rebecca Black “Friday” thing taught us anything, it’s that when you say something sucks, most people will check it out just to hear it for themselves. When that happens, it leaves open the possibility that someone will actually like it and you’ll gain new fans from it. Turn off your ego, shut the fuck up and play your music. As long as you like it, who the fuck cares what anyone says?

 

Rev. Will: What are the best labels out there for goregrind and porngrind?

Teufel: Pierre from Brain Dead Zine (grindgore.net) would be the guy to ask. I’ve only heard a hundred or so goregrind albums over the past decade, he’s listened to thousands, and follows the scene a lot more closely than I do. My favorite goregrind label was No Escape Records, but unfortunately the label went under. The only label I can think of now who consistently pump out great material is Czech Republic’s Bizarre Leprous Productions.

 

Rev. Will: What are some of your favorite bands from other metal sub-genres?

Teufel: Death metal and grindcore have always been my preferred niches. I started out listening to Hellhammer‘s Apocalyptic Raids, and my taste in music has only gotten worse since then. I like a bit of everything, whether it’s brutal or melodic, technical or simple, fast or slow. Good is good. If you want to know what I like, head over to the website and read the reviews; there are hundreds of really positive ones and they’re not hard to find.

 

Rev. Will: Do you secretly enjoy Justin Bieber and/or Taylor Swift?

Teufel: I’ve never listened to either one, but the fact that their music annoys so many people is reason enough for me to appreciate what they’re doing and encourage them to continue.

 

Rev. Will: Okay, in all seriousness, what non-metal genres of music do you enjoy as well?

Teufel: I don’t listen to specific genres outside of metal. There’s a few singles from a few different musical styles that I like, but I’m not entertained by just one good track. Give me a full 40 minutes of quality music and I’ll take a listen, otherwise, fuck off and learn how to write a good album, you talentless hack. All of that being said, Louis Armstrong‘s “What A Wonderful World” is the single greatest song ever recorded in the history of music. If you think any metal song even comes close, slit your wrists, hang yourself and deep-throat a shotgun; because you clearly have no fucking idea what music really is.

 

Rev. Will: If you never had the aptitude for web developing, graphic design, and the other IT-related stuff you’re doing for a living now, what do you think you’d be doing?

Teufel: I probably wouldn’t be spending eight hours answering this fucking monstrosity of an interview that no one will bother reading. [Rev. Will’s intrusion: We all know he’s wrong!] This is quality time I could have spent working, finding a cure for AIDS, taking a shit or masturbating. Since I wasted so much time on this stupid fucking thing, I’m going to take a moment to give thanks to all the people who are to blame for my stupid website still existing after 16 years.

Much thanks go out to my family and girlfriend for supporting and encouraging me to pursue my horrible hobby. Also a huge “thanks, motherfuckers” to Abbas, Angry Norse, Baroness, Damian, Destro, Double Ds, Eric Bocchino, Gruesome Sean, GruntCunter, Josh Martin, Krig, Leif, Mr. Budd, Nameless Dread, Nathan, Necro-tron, Nick Benoitshwitz, Pantala Naga Pampa, Pile Driver, Reggie, Rohan, SCSI, Silky Bravado, Sodomy-Kommando, Soiled Depends, Sven de Caluwe, The Ultimate Mark and Yoni for their contributions over the past 16 years. Without you assholes, I probably would have gone outside and gotten some fresh air. A hearty hetero hug to Leon del Muerte for hosting my atrocity of a website and risking getting his server hacked. To Erik Thomas, and all the other folks out there I’ve poked fun at and had it thrown back at me tenfold, thanks for being good sports, “getting it” and having a sense of humor. To anyone who actually likes the drivel we spew, it’s good to know there are people out there who are as easily amused as we are. To everyone I’ve offended, the new version of the website is going up next month and things are only going to get worse.

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Get mind-fucked and ass-raped at:

Teufel’s Tomb