(Based on performances at Seattle, Washington, August 19, 2013)
MOST CRUSHING BREAKDOWNS
Thy Art Is Murder
HEAVIEST CORE BAND (and there were a lot of ’em)
Norma Jean
BEST MASTURBATION WITH A MIC
Aeon (by default)
BEST DEATH METAL BAND
Aeon (by default)
BEST LOCATION FOR PRE-SHOW TRAINING TUTORIAL DELIVERED BY A DRUMMER
Periphery’s Matt Halpern, against the wall of a warehouse right across the street from the venue doors
BEST HAWKING A LOOGIE INTO THE AIR, CATCHING IT IN HIS HAND, STARING AT IT, AND SMEARING IT ON HIS FACE
Travis Ryan (by default)
COOLEST DUDE ON STAGE (INSANE CATEGORY)
Travis Ryan
COOLEST DUDE ON STAGE (NOT-INSANE CATEGORY)
Tosin Abasi
COOLEST DUDE ON STAGE (BORDERLINE-INSANE CATEGORY)
David Davidson
MOST PAINFUL VOCALS (HEARD OUTSIDE)
Periphery
MOST PAINFUL VOCALS BRIEFLY HEARD INSIDE WHILE PEEING
Periphery
PROGRESSIVE METAL BAND WHO WISELY DECIDED NOT TO FUCK UP THEIR MUSIC WITH A VOCALIST
Animals As Leaders
BEST MERCH TO USE ON YOUR NEXT VISIT TO THE COUNTRY CLUB
Cattle Decap bumper sticker: “I Survived Forced Gender Reassignment”
BEST-TASTING VENUE FOOD AFTER EATING NOTHING FOR EIGHT HOURS (BARELY-PALATABLE CATEGORY)
Hot dog.
Honorable mention: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Started to look good but I stopped myself in time: frozen bean burrito
BEST LOOKING CHICK WEARING REALLY, REALLY SHORT SHORTS
All the ones I saw.
MOST HARD-UP DUDE
The one stuffing plastic water cups in his cargo shorts.
MAXIMUM DESTRUCTIVE USE OF SNARE DRUM
Cattle Decapitation
BEST STAGE-DIVING SET
Norma Jean
BAND THAT LOST NAVENE KOPERWEIS, FOUND ANOTHER MUTANT DRUMMER, AND STILL KICK FUCKTONS OF ASS (STANDARD ANDÂ METRIC)
Animals As Leaders
HOUR WHEN IT FINALLY COOLED DOWN AT STUDIO SEVEN
Not sure, possibly some day in November.
MOST DIVERSE CROWD SEEN AT A METAL SHOW SINCE SUMMER SLAUGHTER 2012 (NOT-RACIALLY-DIVERSE CATEGORY)
This show.
WRISTBAND I CAN’T GET OFF BECAUSE I’M RIGHT-HANDED
The one I let them put on my right wrist.
BEST OVERALL SET
The Ocean Collective (by a nose).
BAND I MISSED BECAUSE I WORK ON TUESDAY MORNING, I HAVE TO TAKE A FERRY HOME, AND I AM OLD
Dillinger Escape Plan
(Written in the wee hours of the morning, while inebriated, somewhere over the waters of Puget Sound, and therefore to be taken with a grain of salt.)
21 Responses to “SUMMER SLAUGHTER AWARDS 2013 (Seattle edition)”
Leave a Reply
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
Hot metal chicks in really short shorts were everywhere this weekend. A good time was had by all.
I want to have those kinds of weekends.
You went to Seattle Andy? You lucky…
Andy was at the Summer Breeze festival in Germany last weekend. Apparently women wear really really short shorts there too.
Goddamn.
Haha that’s some great categories! Nice to see some love for Aeon’s mic-masturbation (and music). Love that band, they deserve the crown that Morbid Angel so carelessly dropped at a 90’s rave-party in Brussels.
I feel much Aeon love too. They stuck out like a sore thumb at this show.
No shit, closest compatriots would probably be Cattle decapitation, simply because they don’t have any post-rock or 8-strings in them. 🙂
Aeon once opened for Nocturnal rites, now THAT’S a strange pairing…
Aeon is mediocre and Cattle Decapitation has been described as “post-deathgrind” by multiple reviewers.
Post-deathgrind? Ah those crazy kids, never heard that description. What the hell is that? Deathbound with dreamy open chord-sequences?
Haha yeah I know it sounds strange at first, but keep in mind that “post” can’t describe a sound by itself. It’s a prefix which modifies the genre term it’s coupled with. The jangly/dreamy chords are mostly ripped off from the Fugazi side of “post-hardcore”, but there are other techniques and sounds which will land you a “post-something” label. For example: anything “mathcore” is usually just “post-metalcore”.
Thank you for saying *math metal* instead of djent.
Haha I don’t really like the prefix “math-” either,!
LOL, mediocre, that’s a good one.
Cattle Decap was definitely the other sore thumb, but people went nuts for them. See above award for diverse metal audience.
Their shows were absolutely insane around the time they released “Karma…”. They kinda introduced me to the modern underground metal/hardcore scenes. Even though I don’t immediately reach for their music, I still hold them in very high regard.
sounds like a pretty awesome day! so many bands on my concert bucket list, sucks that this tour passed me by
it sucks that you missed Dillinger… still one of my favorite live bands
I’ve seen them once before and it was one of the most insane live performances I’ve ever witnessed. I just couldn’t do it this time.
“PROGRESSIVE METAL BAND WHO WISELY DECIDED NOT TO FUCK UP THEIR MUSIC WITH A VOCALIST”
PREACH
I saw Periphery open for Meshuggah last year and it was kinda embarrassing to hear how much they owed to the Swedes. Not to mention how much better at songwriting Meshuggah are.