(Andy Synn, who seems to have become a man of the cloth when we weren’t paying attention, herewith begins a new series…)
Rejoice my brethren and sistren, for today marks the inauguration of a new feature here at NoCleanSinging, that of Father Synn’s Metal Confessional!
For a long time now I have felt your pain brothers and sisters. How you suffer in silence. How you long for absolution. I know of the dark secrets that you keep locked up deep inside, and I step forwards now offering a balm to your soul and a reprieve from your torment.
I ask you to come forth and confess your sins before the congregation. Speak to us of your fears, your hidden longings, and your secret shame… all shall be heard, and all shall be forgiven!
But I know that it’s not as easy as that. You need to be shown the way. So I will lead by example, in the hope that you too will be inspired to confess and be absolved!
Here then, is a litany of my sins:
1. I only own two Slayer albums. And I can’t remember the last time I listened to either of them.
2. As much as I love Black Metal… I can’t stand Mayhem.
3. I listen to Starve for the Devil by Arsis more than I listen to We Are The Nightmare.
4. I think that Ne Obliviscaris are great… but also a little over-rated. And that Citadel gets far too lost up its own prog-hole.
5. I don’t like Manowar.
Now it’s your turn. Who will be brave enough to step forward and bare their soul in search of forgiveness?
EDITOR’S NOTE TO READERS: Also please show us on the doll where Father Synn touched you.
93 Responses to “FATHER SYNN’S METAL CONFESSIONAL”
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I don’t like Manowar either. But I don’t consider that a sin. I think that’s a sign of holiness.
Your penance is 6 hours wearing a sack-cloth codpiece.
Extra-large of course.
Your weight-problems are a separate issue.
1. I still can’t find all the letters in the Wolves In the Throne Room logo
2. I too, cannot stand Mayhem.
Thou shalt immediately go and listen to “Greatest of Deceivers” by Nidingr, and know the true/trve path.
That was fucking awesome! Thanks for the suggestion!
1. I’ve still barely listened to any Bathory
2. I didn’t get all the hype for the previous Tribulation record (new one rips though)
3. I can’t really get into a sizeable portion of Morbid Angel’s discography
I recommend an evening of self-flagellation whilst reciting the lyrics to “Breaking the Law”. Backwards.
Much like Father Synn, I enjoy black metal far and wide, but I find listening to Darkthrone to generally be a chore. Sorry, Fenriz.
I’ve also never gotten into Mastodon. I kind of dug the riffing on the Moby Dick album, but that was it.
And in spite of loving “I’m Broken,” I still think Pantera is meathead music, and not in a good way. I particularly don’t understand the resurgence in reverence that Phil Anselmo seems to be getting.
You may expiate your crimes by saying 6 “Hail Satans” whilst wearing your best pair of camo shorts.
Sorry, no camo shorts. I grew up amongst rednecks, so I’m allergic to camo. And lifted pick ups with stacks.
Hence your aversion to Pantera, shoulda said your bias in the beginning.
Also, Max, my cruel taskmaster at metalbandcamp, makes me do things. Terrible things.
Photos please.
I hate Slayer, and all thrash.
SOne of the new Coal Chamber is pretty good.
Fallujah sucks.
I know I said all would be forgiven… but Coal Chamber is pushing it…
Still, I am not without mercy… to atone for these sins you must go and donate blood* to the sick and less fortunate*.
* The blood does not have to be your own.
I think the big 4 are all overrated.
I condemn you to listening to “St. Anger” on repeat for 4 hours.
What is this, the fucking Inquisition?
No one expects the Inquistion! Seriously, when I saw the cover for Ominous Doctrines of the Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm I was never gonna guess how awesome the content was. So yeah, chief weapon: Surprise. And Nazi regalia.
My confessions:
1. I’ve only listened to one album straight through with King Diamond on it. Mercyful Fate’s Don’t Break The Oath to be exact. I enjoyed it but never bothered listening to anything else with him on it.
2. Aside from Kreator, I never really enjoyed any German thrash metal from the 80s up until the 00s.
3. I don’t enjoy 90% of doom, stoner or sludge bands. They’re just too “eh” for me.
4. I don’t find much enjoyment from 90s area CC.
5. I’ve never really enjoyed anything from Suffocation.
6. Aside from their last two releases (each), I thought everything from Immolation and Incantation was iffy.
7. It took me a year before I realized the greatness that is Bolzer.
I pray for forgiveness in your eyes father and the eyes of my metal family
That is quite a litany of sins my child. It may take some time for you to atone for them all!
1. Even though it’s from my generation, I can’t listen to most Black and Thrash metal classics because of the production and the seeming total lack of bass.
2. And yet ironically, though I absolutely love Katatonia, Anathema, and Paradise Lost’s music with a passion, I like their first 2-3 albums better than anything else they’ve put out since.
3. I consider Def Leppard’s ‘Hysteria’ one of the metal greats.
4. “Spiritual Healing” and “Leprosy” are the best Death albums, and their turn toward prog infusion was a disappointment.
Minor sins only it seems here. Thou must simply go and watch the first Immortal video you find on youtube and THOU SHALT NOT LAUGH!
I say I love atmospheric black metal, but I’ve never listened to Summoning for more than an hour.
I love everything about King Diamond except for King Diamond himself.
I say I like thrash, but I really mean contemporary thrash, probably with black metal influences. I can’t stand 80s thrash.
I like deafheaven. Like, a lot.
This might be due to nostalgia, because they got me on the track to metal, but I still like Avenged Sevenfold. Even Hail to the King.
I sentence you to two weeks in white hi-top sneakers. Verily thou must walkest in another man’s thrashware.
1) Can’t stand Slayer, mostly due to Araya’s vocals and Kerry King.
2) Metallica’s Load is a great album.
3) The Birthday Massacre is great music, but stands out in my 99.9% black/death/buttgrind metal shuffle.
4) I have so much music, I hardly know song titles or lyrics anymore. I know the artist immediately, and album, but the rest is a blur to my aging mind.
5) I buy vinyl all the time and have no time to listen to it.
Your punishment is to write out every Cattle Decapitation song title 10 times on the chapel blackboard.
1. I absolutely can’t stand Pantera. I’ve never understood why a massive portion of metalheads make such a big deal about them, I could just never get into them.
2. I despise core bands.
3. I have a massive love for female fronted symphonic metal bands.
4. I only own 1 Bathory CD currently.
5. I hated Decapitated’s latest album. I felt like it was a huge step down from their previous work.
One can only learn by doing. For true enlightenment one requires a Razorback guitar and a multitude of guitar squeals.
1. I quite liked Cradle of Filth, especially before (including) Nymphetamine.
2. I don’t hate their release thereafter.
3. Many post-metal bored me to hell, recently, Minsk.
4. I don’t listen to any albums with cover arts that involve female torso torment.
5. I still listen to Babymetal.
6. I watched porn this passing weekend (wait…)
I’m expecting some brutal penance for 1-5. I’m expecting Father Synn to ask for links on No. 6.
Yeah. Links are something I DON’T need.
Forgive me father.
1) I own, listen to, and enjoy Six Feet Under’s “Commandment”.
2) I enjoy Mariuzo Kataklysm a lot more than Sylvain Kataklysm, and I’ll argue that with Mariuzo they’ve never made an album that wasn’t at least very good.
3) Convulse’s “Reflections” was alright.
4) I own Whitechapel’s “This Is Exile” and I like it still.
5) Iced Earth’s “Dystopia” bloody ruled.
Truly my child, many of these are not sins in the eyes of the enlightened. I hereby absolve you of your shame.
1) I don’t like Iron Maiden. I respect their talent and position in the canon, but I do not like any of their music.
2) Impending Doom and Ulcerate get equal play by me.
I command thee to open thy heart to the truth of the most ironical of maidens… go forth now, and listen to Live After Death, on repeat, whilst waving a Union Jack, for 4 hours.
1) I think Meshuggah are boring and just play the same note over and over again
2) I think most Black metal is poorly produced noise
3) I love that there is so much music available now, but I hate that there is so much music available now
4) I prefer it when the bands I like are small
4) I prefer it when the bands I like are small
This one might be right your alley then…https://thedwarves.bandcamp.com/ 😉
Nice cover art.
Though your ignorance may yet be your undoing, we here at Father Synn’s Metal Confessional strive to embrace even the most wayward members of our flock. Yet if “The Hurt That Finds You First” by Meshuggah fails to move you, then truly I fear for the contents of your soul. And stomach.
I have a confession to make father:
My metal collection is too small. At first I thought my collection was just fine. I mean, I was happy with it. And besides, who would see my metal collection but me? But then I see other guys’ metal collections and I can’t help but think… oh my god, I have a small collection 😉 It’s been my secret shame for so long….
I still tape trade with a mate of mine. Well, we’ve moved on to burning CDs, which I believe were a 1980s invention. So yeah, fuck modernity. And technicially I’m a pirate but I think I staying pure to metal’s underground roots!
Fear factory has been one of the most formative bands in my personal metal history. I still try and learn Raymond’s (or Gene’s) drum lines.
I’ve been meaning to take Shade Empire’s Omega Arcane out of my car stereo since about 30 playthroughs ago, but every time I start my car I think ‘how can I?’ Is this, o father, as I am beginning to suspect….the word of god made sound?
The word of the lord would surely shatter thine ear drums my son. Surely thou hast seen the most holy of religious videographical relics, Dogma?
Maybe I’m already deaf and just listening to the music in the head…that could explain a few things.
Ummm, this Dogma?: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120655/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
1) Listen to Babymetal most days (and my 2 daughters love them too)
2) Dislike the big 4 (find them over rated), I’ll also add in Pantera here too, since I find them boring.
3) Thrash and Death metal for the most part bores my skull off (there are a few exceptions)
4) I both love and hate the NoCleanSinging site, lots of good music, but no fucking time or money for everything…..
We merely preach the good word of metal my son. We are mere messengers, espousing the greater truth.
I haven’t revealed the true depths though father:
1) Iron Maiden have never created a worthwhile album
2) Black Sabbath are a waste of Oxygen
3) Burzum should be erased from existence (although this may not be a sin)
4) I know very few metal brethren, even though I live in the home of metal (Finland)
1) I have so far not found 1 song by Death that I like, horribly overated band.
2) Dissection is at best, the feeble-minded, lightly drooling cousin of the far superior Naglfar.
3) I love Nasum with all my heart but wouldn’t be able to name more than 3 songs in a blind test.
I CAST THEE OUT!!!
Father, I grant you that this poor lamb may be beyond salvation, but I humbly suggest you consider drawing and quartering, perhaps with a dozen turns on the rack to first loosen the sockets.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned greatly:
1) I’m not a fan of Iron Maiden nor Slayer
2) I clocked more hours listening to cute japanese music than to Death
3) I laughed at Inquisition’s facebook post
4) I’ve seen Meshuggah live and didn’t enjoy it
AND YOU!!!
When it comes to metal, I am a sinner indeed. Some of the many sins I have to confess:
1. I only own one Slayer album. I never listen to it anymore.
2. I don’t know Mayhem. Nor am I familiar with Arsis. Nor have I ever listened to Manowar.
3. I think that Ne Obliviscaris’s first album was stellar, Citadel borders unlistenable.
4. I must confess I don’t like any of the metal that was produced before the early ’90s. I don’t hate it, but I’d rather listen to Coldplay or something else supercommercial than to Iron Maiden or Judas Priest.
5. I prefer Cradle of Filth’s newer material (Godspeed.. and beyond) over their older material (everything before that). Heck, liking CoF at all is a major confession I’d say (they suck big time live though).
6. Even though their new album was relatively disappointing, I like everything In Flames has put out so far and I applaud them making music they want to make instead of what the ‘old-school’ fanbase demands.
7. I never dress like a metalhead; not even at concerts anymore.
Truly, you have strayed from the righteous path. But let the good word of Arsis into your heart, and perhaps you may still be saved!
Dear father, I will listen to thee and let the word of Arsis guide me, so that hopefully I can be saved from heaven.
Please Father Synn forgive me for I have I’ve sinned many times, I have to confess:
1. Nevermore, Kreator and Destruction are better than the so-called “big 4” speaking about Thrash Metal.
2. I hate Metalcore and Deathcore.
3. I think is an idiot anyone says that Black Metal is not serious.
4. I’m sorry for who thinks that Dark Tranquillity are not superior in songwriting about Melodic Death Metal.
5. Most of the clean singing metal really sucks!
Be careful of absolutes my child, for that way lies madness. There is both good Metalcore and Deathcore out there. It is simply so often lost beneath a sea of mediocrity. Yet, in their ignorance, they know not what they do.
Forgive me father as I’ve committed the following sins
1. I’ve never understood the hype behind Pantera and the clones it produced. Frankly, I feel Exhorder was a better groove band and Pantera is overhyped
2. My first Metallica album was Death Magnetic, which I really liked. But after digesting all their albums, DM lost its appeal
3. Many people hate on subgenres. But I feel its helpful to describe the music accurately. Shit like ‘Pirate Metal’ are still rubbish sub genres though.
It warms my cold, dead heart to see you opening up like this. Truly it is not too late to you. Your penance is simple, yet difficult… thou must listen to DM backwards and see if it sounds any better. As it is written, so it is done.
Nope. Even backwards, it’s too long and unimpressive. It was a hard task indeed.
I hereby grant you absolution.
Now don’t do it again!
1. I still like Mötley Crüe.
You are dead to me.
St. Anger is my absolute best piece of music
1. I sing in a power metal band. That’s all clean vocals, all the time.
Isn’t that the unforgivable sin? Am I now condemned to an eternity of unmetalness?
You spend some of your time at this site, so I think eternity is a bit too long. I will recommend only 100 years to Father Synn.
I shall take this under advisement.
in my illusion, i constructed the thought that everyone who dares call Opeth, Metallica, Satyricon,..; not metal anymore; is essentially mislead; would it be that i am judging my brethren in this way? can’t a poor golum have his own perspectives??
i think the evolution of music, leads only to what is now called Atm. Black Metal; all the other ramifications of stules and genres are just casual offsprings, doomed to the “yawning abyss of madness”
..and oh, Turisas gives me shivers, everytime.
There is no excuse for this level of perversion.
I moshed to 30 Seconds To Mars once
Suck it
There is a special place in hell reserved for people like you. Mark my words.
Do they serve 12-egg Triple Bypass Omelets there?
I believe that is how you get there – on a hovering cloud of all the flies.
I could go for one of those right now actually.
I once turned down an opportunity to go on a date with a really awesome and attractive girl to go to a Sonata Arctica concert. The concert sucked. Nothing ever happened between us. I still like Sonata Arctica.
In my aged wisdom I decree that you have suffered enough already. And that listening to Sonata Arctica is punishment in itself.
Alright, padre. Hold on tight, because there’s probably more on the way. I do this confession thing criminal style, y’know? I get the past out there and then make an appointment to come in next time when I’m feeling so inclined.
For starters I not only Slayer; I think St. Anger is a great album.
All of power metal, musicianship aside, feels like a waste of time to listen to.
I own shirts that aren’t black, by choice!
I think that’s all I’m ready for today. Oh one last thing- I hate Manowar, and that will never change.
Until next time, padre.
I’m imagining you saying “padre” in John Wayne’s voice.
YEAH, brother; i thought i was the only one with the St. Anger sin; may the gods have mercy on us
To clarify, in my passion I forgot the most important word in my statement- HATE. I hate Slayer. I do appreciate though that my confession comes across the internet in the stylings of an old west character.
Forgive me father for I think I may have sinned?
I can’t tell the difference between Death, Black, and sometimes Blackened Death Metal.
I hate Djent, once I hear that chugging chord, I’m done.
I secretly listen to “Punk” covers of popular songs from the radio.
Anyone who listens to any of the big 4, or pantera, or thinks they are great are immediately dead to me.
Here’s my confession. This will probably bring the mob out…………………………
I enjoy the shit out of deathcore. As much as I do metal in general.
Deathcore was a lot of what we wrote about when this site started. I will beseech Father Synn to limit your penance to a marathon session of sacred onanism.
i absolutely love Arsis! 🙂
Only two Slayer albums??? Surely you must be suffering from a mental illness of some sort, or perhaps you weren’t hugged enough as a child? You need to remedy this, immediately. Allow me to help you.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dpopular&field-keywords=slayer
I went to the music store Sunday and purchased 6 CD’s, but only one of them was a metal album. They included Phil Collins and Azealia Banks!
She’s playing my university campus in a couple weeks with T-Pain. Should be an interesting time – and her album sure seems pretty solid.
You motherfuckers need to leave the hall! I will bring Violence and Blodshed, The torn flesh of a slow death waits for you! Wearing my Battle Hymns t-shirt right now 😛
I don’t get what is so great about most death metal classics.. Cannibal corpse, Dismember, Morbid Angel, Massacre, Pestilence, Six Feet Under, Suffocation, What is the point when you have Vader, Behemoth, Sulphur Aeon and Deicide?
Also, . Swansong is my favorite Carcass album. Surgical steel and Heartwork are just kinda good.
There’s so much sin being washed away here that it’s clogging our sewer lines. Can anyone recommend a good plumber? Preferably one who was the product of immaculate conception?
Many years ago, as a teenager, Dethklok was the first “death metal” band I could enjoy.
Truly, the Dethklok are modern day prophets, spreading the good word.
Hi.
I think that musically Varg isn’t good anywhere exvept for 3-4 songs.
I don’t like stoner metal in general.
I don’t care about Slayer after early 90’s.
Latest album of Cannibal Corpse and of Deicide isn’t any good and i don’t care about their future records in general. But i love, truly love their first albums.