“An unexpected side effect of the 2010 flooding in parts of Sindh, Pakistan, was that millions of spiders climbed up into the trees to escape the rising flood waters; because of the scale of the flooding and the fact that the water took so long to recede, many trees became cocooned in spiderwebs. People in the area had never seen this phenomenon before.”
That’s the caption for this photo I found someplace. It originally appeared at National Geographic. It’s metal, because it’s creepy as shit. Also, I would not stand under one of those trees, because fuck spiders. I hate ’em.
And that’s how we begin this milestone 50th installment of THAT’S METAL!, a series in which we collect images, videos, and news items that we think are metal, even though they’re not music. I have five more items in this installment, many of which were suggested by NCS readers.
ITEM ONE
This next item came our way via Ben C., proprietor of the newly created Church of the Riff blog. In some countries, you show disrespect to pompous dicks blabbing away at press conferences by throwing shoes at them. Apparently, in Russia you buzz them with flying dildos.
This is funnier than a speech by Rick Santorum, which is saying something, but it seems that not everyone at this press conference was amused. Wait ’til you see the really intemperate response of the dude who swats the flying penis machine from the sky. Party-pooper!
ITEM TWO
Ben C. sent us this next item, too. The following photo is of Maria Jose Cristerna, better known as “La Mujer Vampiro” (Female Vampire), posing during the Venezuela Tattoo Expo in Caracas on January 27, 2012. She has prosthetic fangs and platinum implants in her forehead, and 98 percent of her body is covered in tattoos. Sexy.
Of course, Ms. Cristerna’s day job is practicing law. That’s right, she’s an attorney. I bet it’s an office practice of some kind, like writing wills, because I can’t see her getting many clients if she depends on court appearances. I’d still listen to her (at least when not doubled over in sympathetic pain), but most judges and juries might not. That’s just a wild guess, of course.
Here’s a brief video interview she did at the the Caracas tattoo expo, because you can’t see the teeth in that photo, and the teeth really complete the whole package:
 ITEM THREE
I found this video via TYWKIWDBI under the headline “Your Tax Money At Work”. It was filmed on January 20, 2012, south of Santa Cruz, California. As you will see, it’s metal — literally. I had several thoughts as I watched this.
First, I decided to poke around and find out what a tank costs. I don’t know for sure what kind of tanks were on this train, but the main U.S. battle tank is called the M-1, and according to The Font of All Human Knowledge, it costs $5 million per copy. And there were A LOT OF COPIES on this train. I didn’t make an actual count, because, y’know, I’m  a busy man. So I just made a rough mental estimate, and the total I came up with is a FUCKLOAD of money (that’s the standard fuckload, not the metric fuckload).
Second, seems like you might never have to use these things in actual combat, at least with enemies whose countries are mostly flat and not covered in sand that could gum up the gears. People who live in non-mountainous and non-sandy countries who try to fuck with the good ol’ U.S. of A., we just send them this video and ask them to rethink things.
Third, these babies aren’t painted in desert camouflage colors. Last I checked, we weren’t currently at war in any green places. So why do we have these, where were they going, and just generally, what the fuck? Â Also, best YouTube comment: “I liked the part where a tank passed by.”
ITEM FOUR
Black Shuck sent me a link for this next video. It shows a modified record player that plays cross-sections of wood from a tree using an optical camera instead of a record needle. It reads the growth rings in the wood and, with help from a computer, translates them into a kind of music. The project is called Years and was developed by a German named Bartholomäus Traubeck.
So, yes, this is a bit of a cheat on the theme of this series, since it’s music. But I had to use this, because playing wood is definitely metal. Part of this actually sorta sounds metal, too.
YEARS from Bartholomäus Traubeck on Vimeo.
ITEM FIVE
Our final item is delivered in remembrance of Super Bowl Sunday, which is today of course. I’m not a fan of either the Giants or the Patriots. If there were some way they could both lose, I’d be happier. But I’ll be watching the game anyway, at least for as long as it’s a good contest, mainly so I can see the commercials. And since the commercials will probably be the best thing about the game from my perspective, I’m closing out this post not with football but with . . . a commercial!
I don’t watch much TV, but somehow I’ve seen this commercial for DirectTV three or four times over the last couple of weeks, and it cracks me up each time. Maybe I shouldn’t, since it’s kind of making punks and metalheads out to be losers and undesirables, but on the other hand it’s obviously not serious. And I do think it’s metal.
********
And that’s it for this edition of THAT’S METAL!
Enjoy the rest of your fucking day.
33 Responses to ““THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (NO. 50)”
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The fact that people gather around the TV to watch a commercial boggles my mind. I got a DVR so specifically to skip the fucking things. I haven’t watched a commercial in years.
But most of the Super Bowl commercials are funny! And stupid! And funny AND stupid! And moronic!
Gahhh…football would be so much better if they had 100 percent more knives and 100 percent less football.
Actually, though, if I have to watch a ball sport (hehehehehe), I’d take football over most anything else.
Ima ruin my metal cred by sayin’ this, but I prefer baseball. As for the reasons, I defer to George Carlin and Tom Boswell:
http://www.baseball-almanac.com/humor7.shtml
http://www.baseball-almanac.com/legendary/libvf100.shtml
Fuck metal cred, that just makes you a horrible human being. (Liking baseball, I mean.)
But I still love you.
Slamball. Best sport that was actually real.
I dont like any sport you cant score on defense
I liked the vampire lady…
She likes you too.
Sexy. And lumpy.
“Years” sounds a lot like Ulver. I like it.
Did it give you wood?
(sorry, I’ve been hoping someone would comment on Years so I could say that.)
“…because playing wood is definitely metal.” 😀
Oh, and I would like to echo “Fuck Spiders.”
Dudes are creepy as fuck.
Then don’t move to the Pacific Northwest. This seems to be ground zero in their plan for global domination. There are few other insects here, but a standard fuckton of spiders.
There are a lot of slugs here too.
And hippies. I’m not sure which of them is the worst.
We’ve locked all of them into Portland and Eugene. So at least the problem is confined.
I thought they were still infesting Seattle, too….
There’s a nest of them in the Fremont neighborhood. They’re like cockroaches in there — hard to snuff out.
Just a little info, those aren’t tanks. They’re M2 Bradley IFVs, but it’s still fuckin’ metal and still a shitload of money. ($3,166,000 per vehicle)
Awesome info! A standard fuckton of M2 Bradley IFVs! 20% off the M1 list price — such a deal!
That is about 5 minutes south of my house. Those Bradleys were coming back from training is Louisiana is where all state side Army does its “Joint Readiness Training” at Fort Polk.
The train route in California doesnt give you the most direct line.
Also, we are always involved in little wars every where so the color doesnt matter, and Iran isnt a Dessert.
Just Saying.
Definitely not a dessert.
LOL Desert.
I personally find this pretty fucking Metal even though its South African Zef.
Specially the part where the kid is beating the dead lion with a club.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Uee_mcxvrw
That tank clip is actually hard to wrap my head around. Just the shear amount of money, steel and energy on that one train load. All to kill people. Yeah 2012!
What kind of vampire is that lady supposed to be..a Pachycephalosaurus?
Good call dude!
http://www.dinosaurstore.com/images/CLAWS/Pachycephalosaurus.gif
You crazy Americans and your trains filled with tanks.
You are so wrong!
(I think you meant to say “You crazy Americans and your trains filled with M2 Bradley IFVs.”)
Speaking in view of the history of tanks, those could still be called tanks…
Nope..tanks were never designed as troop carriers which is the Bradleys primary function