RICHES FROM MR. ARCE AWAIT!

I’m sure some of you out there suspect that I make up the e-mails I post from people who are trying to give me money from faraway lands. But I swear on both of my testicles, which are near and dear to me, that these are actual e-mails that I actually receive in my actual e-mail in-box.  I change nothing about them. The replies I publish are also actual replies that I send these people, actually.

You see, although I’ve been repeatedly disappointed, I still have a small amount of faith that if I continue to answer these inquiries in the patient, cooperative, and forthcoming way I always do, then one of these days I will get my just rewards — untold riches that will enable me to blog full-time and turn NO CLEAN SINGING into a world-conquering behemoth of metallic bloggerism before which people will bow down and weep with awe and loathing.  I mean, awe and loving.  Probably they’ll just bow down and show us their ass.

Anyway, here’s an e-mail I got yesterday, plus my reply. And remember, I did not make up a single word of this thing.

From: “MR. CHARLIE KINGS ARCE” <wilbertoarce@gmail.com>
Date: May 1, 2012 9:02:47 AM PDT
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Bcc: islander@nocleansinging.com
Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED
Reply-To: trustchambers10@gmail.com

GREETINGS, FROM MR. CHARLIE KINGS!!

Greetings, I am Mr. Charlie Kings Arce, an account operator to late (Mr. Herman Lewis) 70 yrs old, a nationality of your country who unfortunately died on a car accident dated 7th August 2005 along (Ibadan Express high way).

Since the death of (Mr. Herman Lewis), I as his account operator have made several inquiries to locate his relations to come up for the inheritance claim, without any success.

I came across your name and contact on the course of my personal searching for my late client relations/next of kin so I decided to contact you for this project. I am contacting you to assist in securing the wealth left behind in a fixed deposit account by my late client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where my late client operates an account. The Board of Directors of the Bank has issued me a notice that after 3Weeks from now and no relation shown up for the claiming of the said funds, the funds will be confiscated and declared unserviceable.

Since The Board of Directors of the Bank have been unsuccessful in locating my client relatives for sometime now, it’s on this note that I seek your consent to present you as the relation/next of kin to my late client that the proceed of this deposit can be released into your account. The amount deposited (GBP: 10.6 Million Pounds) also i believed with interest (GBP: 500 Hundred Thousand Pounds). I will agree with you on 50% will be for me while 50% will be for you, while the interest (GBP: 500 Hundred Thousand Pounds) is set aside for incurred expenses. I guarantee you that this transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement which will protect you from any breach of the law. Upon your response, furnish me with:

1. Your Full Name…………………
2. House Address……………………….
3. Age………………………………
4. Your Telephone & Fax Number……………
5. Country…………………………….
6. Occupation and Position……………….
7. Married………………………………..
8. Male/female……………………………
9. Full Account Information……………………
10. A Copy of Your Identification……………….

As soon as I receive all the needful information from you, I will present it to the Bank Directors that I have locate the relation to my late client since they asked that I should provide the next of kin for them to release the inheritance fund.

I’m at your service,

Mr. Charlie Kings Arce
(trustchambers10@gmail.com)

MY REPLY

DUDE, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!? IS YOUR LAST NAME REALLY “ARCE“?  Shit, you must have learned how to fight at an early age.

Srsly, that is fuckin’ brootal, to go through life with people calling you arce, or kings arce, or a royal arce, and you have to take it because IT’S YOUR FUCKIN’ NAME. How could you EVER forgive your parents for naming you that?

Oh, wait . . . they didn’t pick that name — because it’s their fuckin’ name too!  Radical.  Are your parents, like, really surly, pissed off people who took it out on you by beating you senseless and making you drink your own urine because they loathed themselves and thought of you as just a little piece of arce? Lol.

Hey, I’m sorry man, really I am.  I shouldn’t have gone off like that, I just couldn’t help it. If you were me and I were you, you couldn’t help it either, am I right? Yeah, I’m right.

Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, let’s get down to bidness. One of these days you’ll have to tell me how (Mr. Lewis ) died ON a car accident. I mean, did the dude find a car accident and decide to just jump on it right before the gas tanks went up in a motherfucking fireball and scorched his arce right down to a cinder? I’m just curious, but it ain’t no big thang, because what really counts is that the dude is DEAD.  Ha!

Actually, what really counts is that the dude passed on while leaving 10.6 million pounds behind him. Now, I’m assuming that’s some kind of money, right? Like some kinda metric version of the dollar?

I don’t know why people hold on to all that metric bullshit instead of using dollars, inches, feet, gallons, and pounds, like we do here in the U.S. of A.  Oh wait . . . pounds . . . maybe you’re talking about some kind of shit that weighs 10.6 million pounds? You need to clear up that ambiguity for me before we get down to the serious bidness. I could deal with 10.6 million pounds of gold bars, but I’d have much less interest in 10.6 million pounds of bat guano.

Also, I need to know that if it’s really some kind of money, it’s actually worth something, you dig? Not like whatever passes for money in some a those bankrupt Euro countries where 10.6 million drakma equal about $1.49. I don’t even know what a drakma is, I’m just using it for illustration purposes, you dig? But, like, if it’s 10.6 million of something that’s pretty close to a U.S. dollar, then fuck yeah, I’m interested.

But see, we need to get a few things straight, right here at the git-go. First off, if I’m the one who’s the relation/next of kin on your say-so, and I’ll be recognized as such by them fuckin’ Bank Directors. You’re just an “account operator”, whatever that is. So then, how is it you’d be getting 50%? You see what I’m getting at? That just don’t make no sense at all.

And although I really appreciate your personal guarantee that this transaction will be handled in a way that protects me from “any breach of law”, would you put any weight on the guarantee of a dude named ARCE!!!  Fuck no, you wouldn’t. So I ain’t giving you no 50% in return for your “guarantee”. Here’s the deal: When I get the 10.6 mil, then I’ll give you a tip.

Now, I’m a generous tipper, so I was thinking about $1,000 U.S., plus some of my personal recommendations for some really awesome metal albums (and you can’t put a price on that).  Sound good?  Fuck yeah, it does.

Also, forget that nonsense about setting aside those interest earnings for expenses. Ain’t happening. I mean, shit, what kind of expenses are you talking about that would cost 500 Hundred Thousand? I sure as fuck ain’t paying for hookers and blow, or whatever else it is you do for fun . . . MISTER ARCE.

By the way, what the fuck is 500 Hundred Thousand?  Why didn’t you just do the multiplication yourself so I wouldn’t have to figure out what 500 hundred-thousands are. Very unprofessional of you dude. Not inspiring me with confidence in your skillz, ya know? But whatever it is — no expense set-asides, man. You incur any expenses, you can send me the receipts and I’ll reimburse you if they look legit.  Cool?

And as for all that “needful information” you want from me, here ya go:

1. Your Full Name…………………I.S. Lander
2. House Address……………………….666 Ben Dover Lane
3. Age………………………………12
4. Your Telephone & Fax Number……………(666) 666-6666; what the fuck is a fax?
5. Country…………………………….The Greatest One In The WOrld
6. Occupation and Position……………….Glorious Leader of the Glorious NO CLEAN SINGING
7. Married………………………………..Ain’t none your fuckin bidness
8. Male/female……………………………Sorry dude, I’m only into women
9. Full Account Information……………………You want my Chevron card or my Walmart card?
10. A Copy of Your Identification……………….Hey, dude, I’m a badass metal blogger. I’m deep underground, man, off the fuckin’ grid. I don’t need no ID and I sure as fuck ain’t registering myself with The Man.

So, are we cool now? You know what to do. Get workin’ on gettin’ me the millions!! And don’t forget about that tip. You only get that if you get yo arce in gear and move it like you gonna lose it.

Brutal regards,

Islander
NCS