CATZ

I try to stay grymm. This is an extreme metal blog, after all. Brooding and scowling are the order of the day, except when we take a break for attempts at humor — which necessarily have to be tasteless or sarcastic. Problem is, I have a weakness for cats. I have a cat — or to be more accurate, I share a cat. He’s about 17 years old and a big part of my day. That makes me a little insecure, because as pets go, I have this nagging worry that cats aren’t considered metal, not like a Doberman or a pit bull or a wolfhound.

I got a little bit of an ego boost when I read Issue #62 (Dec 2009) of Decibel. It included an article called “The Cutest Kitties in Metal.” The article consisted of seven pages of dudes from metal bands with their cats, with photos and affectionate commentary from the dudes about their cats. That made me feel a little more metal about my own cat thing.

But that was a couple months ago, and I’ve started feeling insecure again about my metalness. Like when I saw the photo above and started laughing. I don’t even know why I’m making that confession.  Lolcats are not metal. I know that. I don’t even know why I’m putting this post together. Trying to justify my cat weakness I guess, at the risk that you readers will think this post is a complete, bullshit waste of space and time.

But fuck it, the die is cast. In for a dime, in for a dollar. Tomorrow we’ll have a post ready on some divergently awesome new music, but today, I’m afraid it’s all catz.

So, the cat above isn’t metal.  But what about this?  (after the jump . . .)

That one’s more metal, don’t you think? How’d you like to wake up every morning with this monster sitting on your chest, giving you that look? On the bright side, you probably wouldn’t feel like falling back asleep. You’d probably jump out of the rack like you were shot from a gun.

Still not convinced that cats can be metal?  How about this one:

Shit! That one makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I like cats and all, but the owners of this one must have found a pet store in Hell. Not sure I could come home to that every day. Pretty fucking metal, though.

What about this next one?

Yeah, now that’s more like it! Definitely a metal cat, right? I can guess what happened here. Cat was sleeping, like they do about 90% of the day and night. And then the human in the room decided it would be a good time to crank up some Napalm Death at full blast.

Let’s not stop now.  Check out this one:

Also metal, right?  I’m starting to feel more masculine about my cat weakness already. But I’m still not quite where I need to be. I got an idea! Let’s shift gears. Stay with cats, but think about bigger cats — cats that prey on more than mice, birds, and canned tuna.

What about this?

Yeah, you’re right.  It’s definitely a bigger cat, and it’s regally beautiful. But the photo is not really metal.

But what about this?

Yeah, that’s more like it! That’s a br00tal creature right there. Definitely metal. Regally beautiful AND scary as shit.

While we’re on the subject of scary-as-shit tigers, how about this:

Fuck! And I had this delusional idea that if I were ever being chased by a tiger, all I’d have to do is head for deep water. Not that I really spend a lot of time thinking about what I’d do if I were ever being chased by a tiger.  I’m just sayin’.  Heading for deep water is out.

Best plan is probably what’s suggested by the punchline to the old joke about the two missionaries running from a charging lion. One says to the other, “We’ll never outrun it!” The other says, “I don’t have to outrun it.  I just have to outrun you.”

Now that we’re on the subject of lions, is this metal?

Nah, you’re right. Not metal. The regally beautiful thing again.

But what about this?

Nope. That’s not the kind of headbanging I was looking for. Not metal.

But you and I know that lions can definitely be metal, especially if you’re a gazelle and it’s dinner time on the savannah.

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!! Somebody at the zoo just cranked up some Behemoth! You can imagine what he’s thinking: “Where’s the fuckin’ mosh pit?!? And are there any scenesters trying to hardcore dance? I could use me a nice soft scenester appetizer!”

Lions and tigers are good feline metal candidates for sure. But let’s not stop there.  What about this?

Yeah, not so much. This one, you’d almost want to pet.

Until you realize that he’s probably just dozing off a big meal of fat tourist sashimi. And then you think what he probably looked like just before chowing down.

Uh-huh. Black metal. If that’s not TRVE and KVLT, what is?  Or how about the other obvious choice (wait for it) — Pantera!

One more member of the big feline family awaits.  Check out this spotted specimen:

Not metal, you say? Well, maybe not right at this moment.  He or she is probably just sleeping off a sweaty, beer-soaked night in the pit at an Exodus show.

But leopards can definitely be metal.  Voila:

Slash and burn, baby! That’s some brutal death metal right there, am I right?

SO, I think I’m startin’ to make my case that cats can be metal. I’m feeling better about my feline affinity. I may be ready to move out of the animal kingdom and consider people. Not people who like cats, but people who pretend they are cats. How would that make me feel?

Shit.  What was Heidi Klum on when she decided this would be a good idea? Definitely the non-metal side of feline couture. But not even the sex-kitten side. Just cringingly, embarrassingly absurd.

Come on Heidi, get into it! Channel your internal vicious cat! Show us that cat people can be metal, even when they’re wearing ridiculous, Andrew Lloyd Weber-ish costumes.

Uh, no. Not what I had in mind. Even the black fingernails don’t help. You’re really lettin’ me down here. I’m trying to convince myself that cats are metal, and this is the best you can do?

Let’s give this one more shot. One more person who looks like a cat, but in a metal sort of way. Who would that be?

Shit! Not what I had in mind either, though it’s plenty fuckin’ scary. This broad needs to feed her plastic surgeon to one of those big cats higher up the page. In small pieces.

Oh man, I wish I’d never seen this. It’s put me completely off my train of thought. I think it’s a sign I need to just wrap this up and find another way to deal with my cat/metal issues.

Maybe this music will help. It’s not about cats, but I like to think of it as big-cat metal. And it’s a shitload better than more pictures like that last one. Listen to Pantera.  I’m outta here.  Gotta feed the cat.

Pantera: Walk