I guess they’re called “statuses” instead of “posts”, but saying “statuses” makes my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth. Anyway, here are some of those thingies I saw today:
Environmentally conscious Australian metallers and their clever fans . . .
I’m sure some of you out there suspect that I make up the e-mails I post from people who are trying to give me money from faraway lands. But I swear on both of my testicles, which are near and dear to me, that these are actual e-mails that I actually receive in my actual e-mail in-box. I change nothing about them. The replies I publish are also actual replies that I send these people, actually.
You see, although I’ve been repeatedly disappointed, I still have a small amount of faith that if I continue to answer these inquiries in the patient, cooperative, and forthcoming way I always do, then one of these days I will get my just rewards — untold riches that will enable me to blog full-time and turn NO CLEAN SINGING into a world-conquering behemoth of metallic bloggerism before which people will bow down and weep with awe and loathing. I mean, awe and loving. Probably they’ll just bow down and show us their ass.
Anyway, here’s an e-mail I got yesterday, plus my reply. And remember, I did not make up a single word of this thing.
From: “MR. CHARLIE KINGS ARCE” <wilbertoarce@gmail.com>
Date: May 1, 2012 9:02:47 AM PDT
To: undisclosed-recipients:;
Bcc: islander@nocleansinging.com
Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED
Reply-To: trustchambers10@gmail.comGREETINGS, FROM MR. CHARLIE KINGS!!
Greetings, I am Mr. Charlie Kings Arce, an account operator to late (Mr. Herman Lewis) 70 yrs old, a nationality of your country who unfortunately died on a car accident dated 7th August 2005 along (Ibadan Express high way). Continue reading »
I am deeply, DEEPLY in the debt of Ben C. (Church of the Riff) for sending me the link that inspired this post.
I also wish I had thought of this myself. But I didn’t. Credit goes to a blog called Tastebuds. Whoever runs that blog ferreted out a montage of the worst album covers ever created. One of my favorites is up above. I was tempted to just steal all of them for this NCS post, but that wouldn’t be right. So, instead, I’ve just picked out a handful of other favorites to include here after the jump.
But you really need to see all of them — it’s the cumulative effect of seeing all 30 of them in a row that will bring you to the point of tears. That’s certainly what happened to me. I laughed so fuckin’ hard I started crying. I think I peed myself, too, but with me that’s always difficult to tell.
So, check out a few more choice covers after the jump, and then go here to see all of them. Be sure to come back and tell us whether you peed yourself. Continue reading »
Well, I guess I succeeded in warning the FBI off my ass, so what did the cowardly motherfuckers do? They turned their malignant attention in the direction of poor, defenseless Andy Synn, who isn’t even a U.S. citizen, much less a real person. This called for hard measures, so I gave them hard. Measures.
First, here is the e-mail addressed to Guv’nor Synn, which he forwarded to me in my mind and which I am quoting verbatim because I could not have made this up, except I am omitting embedded links in the message, because although I love all of you, some of you might try to pretend you are me — or worse yet, Andy — and get the booty for yourselves.
March 19, 2012
Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc
Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday
Office Hours Monday to Saturday:
Dear Beneficiary,
Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. This ended 3 days ago. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $2,500,000.00 due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund. Continue reading »
It was just a matter of time. You can’t write about the kind of vicious, seething, anarchic, soul-rending noise that we cover here at NCS — stuff like shamisen rock, Lacuna Coil, The BadPiper, and BabyMetal — without The Man coming down on your ass eventually. I got an e-mail from the fucking FBI yesterday! And they weren’t writing to wish me a happy World Kidney Day either.
But they picked on the wrong fucking people. I gave ’em a piece of my mind, and I’m not talking about the piece that loves kitties and sleeps a lot. That’s our motto here at NCS — you get fucked, you fuck back . . . hard. And I’m fucking back with a new music video by Sweden’s AtomA, the latest band to be joined by Christian Älvestam as the vocalist. I believe this is the 1,623rd such band.
We’re not going to let the FBI try to fuck with us in private either. You have to expose this kind of heavy-handed bullshit for everyone to see, so the masses can rise up in solidarity and strike back like a big fucken rattlesnake that’s been roused from its slumber — give The Man a big dose of lethal venom! So, after the jump . . . the piece-of-shit e-mail I got from the FBI, my courageous response, and the AtomA video. Continue reading »
(Not to be out-done by those putrid Revolver “Golden Gods” Award nominations we whinged about yesterday, we turned to NCS Product Placement Vice-President, Phro, to line up our own lucrative awards show. The dude works fast, and the cashola is already rolling in. Those disgusting corporate fucks the sponsors we’re proud to call partners have really stepped up and are helping us make this NCS awards show an event that will leave “Golden Gods” in our dust. How can you help? Read on at the end of the nominations list.)
Welcome to the first annual “NO CLEAN SINGING Fucking Good Pancake Awards™”!
Each of the winners in the following categories was democratically and fairly picked by the company paying the largest amount of money to have its name announced live over the Internet! We’re super excited to have so many awesome sponsors who are giving us so much money we can buy enough spray paint to kill the shame-cells in our brains! Haha! Beat that, REVOLVER! You guys can’t even huff spray paint right! I bet you dumb fuckers think The Used are grindcore and Kelly Clarkson is power metal! I’m gonna rub my nuts on an envelope of chow shit and mail you my bloody, stinking nutsack! PISSSHITFUCKCUNTCOCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERTITS!!!!
BEST VIDEO TO JERK OFF TO WHILE SILENTLY WEEPING
Presented by KY Jelly™ (Slip ‘n’ slide it in!)
GREATEST REUNION TOUR THAT CAME ABOUT DUE TO AWKWARD MAKE UP SEX
Presented by Trojan’s Perforate Condoms™ (Twice the pleasure; None of the protection!) Continue reading »
I guess you’ve figured out by now that we didn’t black out the NCS site today. Frankly, I got confused. I thought on-line sites were organizing a protest against sopapilla. I’ve long been a supporter of sopapillas.
I used to eat them all the time in Tex-Mex restaurants when I lived in Texas. They’re popular in other border states, as well as in many countries in Central and South America. If you’ve never eaten one, you’re really missing out. They’re kind of a fried pastry, sometimes powdered with sugar and/or cinnamon and served with honey. They’re light, they’re crispy, they’re kind of chewy. They’re just damned good eating.
So why, I wondered, were people up in arms over sopapillas? Y’know, they may not be the healthiest food in the world, but shutting down places like Wikipedia and Reddit in protest seemed like an overreaction to me. I mean, buffalo wings and pizza are crappy kinds of food and you don’t see anyone organizing internet blackouts over them.
Then I figured out that people weren’t protesting sopapillas. They were protesting SOPA and PIPA! Turns out these are acronyms for bills that are pending in the U.S. Congress — the “Stop Online Piracy Act” in the House and the “Protect IP Act” in the Senate. They seem to be targeted at non-U.S. web sites that pirate intellectual property owned by U.S. businesses, but there are (or were) provisions in the bills that would require U.S.-based sites to make sure they aren’t linking to foreign sites that engage in piracy. Continue reading »
I was afraid it would come to this eventually.
Metal bands try all sorts of come-on’s in an effort to increase their Facebook “likes”. They ask politely. They plead and beg pathetically. They get their friends in other bands to solicit “likes” on their behalf. They dangle the carrot of a new song, or album art, or a track list, if their total “likes” reach a certain magic number.
These kind of inducements are too fuckin’ lame (or too tame) for Greek math-metal band Tardive Dyskinesia, who we’ve written about a lot at NCS. A few months back, they posted this status on their FB wall: “The next 38 guys who like us on facebook will win a lollipop licked from all the band members! What are you waiting for…!!” I’d already liked their page or I definitely would have gone for that. Just what I’ve always wanted.
But that was just a warm-up for a status they posted last week. I think you can guess what they offered. As “like” solicitations go, “we suck cocks for a like” was short, to-the-point, and very friendly. It was also the logical next level in “like” solicitations.
I’ve had fun watching the NCS “like” total increasing on our Facebook page. We crossed 1,000 “likes” last week, and that was definitely a good time, but it will probably take a while to reach 2,000 or even 1,500, because there’s a limited number of geniuses in the world. I’d like to get there faster. Taking inspiration from Tardive Dyskinesia, I’m now thinking about NCS offering blowjobs for “likes”. Continue reading »
This is Part 13 of our list of the most infectious extreme metal songs released this year. Each day until the list is finished, I’m posting two songs that made the cut. For more details about what this list is all about and how it was compiled, read the Introduction via this link. To see the selections that preceded this one, click the Category link on the right side of the page called MOST INFECTIOUS SONGS-2011.
MORBID ANGEL
Successful, immensely influential artists of long standing often find their creative freedom restricted by the shackles of their own success. What has worked in the past will likely work again, and that’s an insidious inducement to just repeat the pattern again and again. That’s the carrot, but there’s also a stick: Striking out onto a new path risks alienation of a dedicated fan base. Loyal adherents of an artist’s well-defined style may be too close-minded, too wedded to the past, to be receptive to experimentation.
Fortunately, not all successful artists fall prey to these carrot-and-stick inducements to stand pat. Some are brave enough and creative enough to throw off the shackles of their own success and strike out in brilliant new directions, to boldly go where others are too timid to tread. So it was with Morbid Angel’s 2011 album, Illud Divinum Insanus, which translates to “fuck you, we doin’ this thang anyway.” Continue reading »
It’s nearly 11 p.m. on New Year’s Eve in Japan.
Phro has started drinking. I can’t tell whether he’s already passed his limit or whether he needs to drink a shitload more. He sent me these two videos.
You remember Babymetal, don’t you? How could you forget. I’ve been trying, but my psychotherapist says I need to work harder at it. The new video is the same goddamn “Doki Doki Morning” song, but this time the Babymetal teeny boppers are dancing and throwing the goat.
The other video is from the same chick who did that PonPonPon video. I’m ashamed I even know that. This is all Phro’s fault.
It’s not even 6 a.m. here in Seattle. I now need to get fucked up fast, but 6 a.m. seems just a tad on the early side. I’m screwed.
Believe me, there WILL be a palette cleanser soon . . . Continue reading »
