FLAY YER COCKMEAT ON MY HAMMER

 Album Reviews, Phro's Posts  4 Responses »
Apr 082012
 

 (Get your favorite blankie and read Phro’s review of the forthcoming album by Flayed Disciple, the first song from which we premiered here.)

You remember that blankie or teddy bear or giant horse cock you had when you were a kid that you wouldn’t let go of no matter how much your mommy begged for a turn? How you’d snuggle with it at night when you went to sleep and carry it around with you when you were running from bullies? It was warm and familiar and it just felt…right?

Well, that’s Flayed Disciple’s Death Hammer for me. It’s kinda old school but new school enough to avoid sounding so old school that you go “Oh, hey, another old school death metal band. Yah.” I’m assuming this is a result of their death-thrash sound (as the Wikipedia calls it). It’s familiar, but not trite. It hits that sweet spot that you didn’t even know you were missing and then massages that spot until you feel all warm and satisfied. All of this sounds like a horrible way to describe a death metal album, but this album is like a security blankie that demands blood sacrifice.

The first real, full song is called “Westboro Massacre” and it is littered with the holey (heh) corpses of the faithful. (To be honest, I have no idea exactly what the lyrics are, but the song ends with audio clips of screaming, punching flesh, and machine guns.) It’s a full steam ahead, let-me-rub-my-dick-and-awesome-solos-in-your-face monster of a track. The vocals are heavy and distorted and gravelly like a gangster Cookie Monster who’s been chugging napalm. They’ve strewn a few shorter solos throughout the song in addition to a longer one towards the end, so you don’t get the verse-chorus-verse-chorus-HOLY-SHIT-A-SOLO (non)surprise composition. (Though it does end up with quite a bit of soloing, but they are solos with more balls than wankery.) Continue reading »

FUCKING PIGS!

 Phro's Posts  6 Responses »
Mar 252012
 

(Phro wrote this review.)

(Trolling bandcamp this morning, I found the excellent Georgia grindcore band Gripe.  They seems awful pissed about pigs or something…)

Sunday morning.

I hate every fucking morning, but there’s just something about Sunday morning that really just…makes me wanna fuck a possessed nun with a Molotov cocktail. And this morning is no different. I wake up and wipe the sleepies from my eyes, get out of bed, and trip over the head of a pig.

Splat!

Face full of pig guts.  Seriously, I mean, by now I’m really not surprised by the horrific shit I find in my apartment, but this… Ug.  And it’s still warm, too.  Eww…I think there’s some shit mixed in with the blood. Goddamnit.

I stand up and, covered in pig blood and little squishy flecks of pig shit, kick the head.

“Stupid fucking dead pig.  I don’t even want to know where you came from.”

There’s a bottle of Four Roses, still half full.  Oh, good.  That’ll help me get through the day.  I wander over to the computer.  We need some fucking music to help me clean this shit up before the girl comes home from her business trip. Continue reading »

HAPPY HANGOVER DAY!!

 Phro's Posts, RANDOM FUCKING MUSIC  14 Responses »
Mar 182012
 

(Phro saves the day!  Correctly guessing that your humble editor would roll out of bed this morning hung over and without anything to post at NCS, he wrote this and left it waiting in my e-mail in-box . . .)

How’s the hangovers, motherfuckers???

Islander seemed like he wasn’t expecting to be fully operational today, what with his liquid cephalic medicinal procedure expecting to go all night.  (Although, inquiring minds would still like to know how a headless Glorious Leader from 2199 is able to both survive without a steady supply of monkey blood AND run the greatest, most amazingest, mindblowingly stupendous blog in the universe.  The official Phro guess is anabolic steroids and coffee.)

Anyway, I thought I’d write up a quick list of videos I found this morning.

First, DEAtHtUNE (the holy-fuck-his-beard-is-more-awesome-than-ZZ-Top-in-a-headlock-by-a-70s-porn-star Iranian band featured before on NCS, such as here, has a new video.  It is bassy as fuck.  It’s like Jupiter just strolled over and sat down next to you and crushed you with it’s massive fucking gravity.  If your testicles/ovaries don’t swell with excitement, you’re clearly dead and should see a doctor about that.  But maybe listen to the song one more time before you go, just to make sure that you were listening properly. Continue reading »

SHAMISEN ROCK

 Off Topic, Phro's Posts, RANDOM FUCKING MUSIC  26 Responses »
Mar 052012
 

(You can’t say we don’t try to broaden your musical horizons here at NCS, but today’s guest post by Phro may push them farther than we ever have before.)

Well, there’s been a lot of talk recently about Celtic/bagpipe metal around these here parts. Which is pretty fucking awesome, if I may be so bold as to force my opinion on you like a political advertisement. Nothing wrong with a little sack in your metal, right? (Yeah, that’s the best I have right now…don’t expect anything too funny from this.)

Anyway, all this “traditional instruments doing dirty things with my metal behind closed doors and having babies that clearly are far more awesome than simply genetics should allow” got me thinking about a traditional instrument that I love: the shamisen. (Click here to get some Wikiknowledge dropped on your ass.)

Now, I know every FrownyFaceTrveCvltMetalHeadOfDoom out there thinks his or her favorite thing is the most metal thing of all, so that’s not what I’m going to say. However, if you don’t find yourself rocking (at least just a little) to some good tsugaru-jamisen, I’d say. . . well, I’d say this music probably isn’t for you and that’s tots cool. Seriously. Tots. Cool.

Before we really get started, I’d just like to explain very briefly what the fuck a shamisen is. A lot of people describe it as a Japanese guitar, which is just stupid. I think “Japanese lute” is the most commonly accepted description, but I prefer to think of it like a banjo. (They sound pretty similar to me.) Anyway, they have three strings, a long, thin neck, and a small box body.

Depending on the kind of shamisen, the form and size will be different.The Okinawan shamisen is smaller and the body is usually round and made of snake skin. The “standard” shamisen is about a 3 or 4 feet long with a body of about 10 inches which looks like a box. (It is a box, but the top and bottom are covered with animal skin.) The tsugaru-jamisen is basically a bigger version of the standard one.

Important note: there are no frets and the damn things go out of tune like a drunken sailor, so players are often re-tuning between songs. The largest string also has a natural reverb to it, so it’s the only acoustic instrument I know of that has built-in distortion. (I could just be stupid. Let us know how stupid in the comments below!)

Alright, so, today, for your totally-not-really-all-that-metal-but-kinda-metal entertainment, I’m going to be presenting some shamisen rocking. Pull on your hakama, throw some sen in your wallet, and let’s get this matsuri going. Continue reading »

NCS PROUDLY ANNOUNCES THE FIRST ANNUAL NCS FUCKING GOOD PANCAKE AWARDS™

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  22 Responses »
Feb 172012
 

(Not to be out-done by those putrid Revolver “Golden Gods” Award nominations we whinged about yesterday, we turned to NCS Product Placement Vice-President, Phro, to line up our own lucrative awards show. The dude works fast, and the cashola is already rolling in. Those disgusting corporate fucks the sponsors we’re proud to call partners have really stepped up and are helping us make this NCS awards show an event that will leave “Golden Gods” in our dust.  How can you help?  Read on at the end of the nominations list.)

Welcome to the first annual “NO CLEAN SINGING Fucking Good Pancake Awards™”!

Each of the winners in the following categories was democratically and fairly picked by the company paying the largest amount of money to have its name announced live over the Internet!  We’re super excited to have so many awesome sponsors who are giving us so much money we can buy enough spray paint to kill the shame-cells in our brains!  Haha!  Beat that, REVOLVER!  You guys can’t even huff spray paint right!  I bet you dumb fuckers think The Used are grindcore and Kelly Clarkson is power metal!  I’m gonna rub my nuts on an envelope of chow shit and mail you my bloody, stinking nutsack!  PISSSHITFUCKCUNTCOCKSUCKERMOTHERFUCKERTITS!!!!

 

BEST VIDEO TO JERK OFF TO WHILE SILENTLY WEEPING
Presented by KY Jelly™ (Slip ‘n’ slide it in!)

GREATEST REUNION TOUR THAT CAME ABOUT DUE TO AWKWARD MAKE UP SEX
Presented by Trojan’s Perforate Condoms™ (Twice the pleasure; None of the protection!) Continue reading »

ABORTED: GLOBAL HARD-ON

 Album Reviews, Phro's Posts  15 Responses »
Jan 202012
 

(This is the first of two reviews we’re publishing today of the new album by Aborted. Phro, a displaced American forced to take refuge in Japan, is the author of this one. He also made suggestions to Aborted about how they might re-word the album and song titles. Shockingly, they didn’t change any of the titles. But they did let us premiere the full album stream of the new album, which you can find at this location.)

So when Islander sent me the album for review, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.  I’ve experienced the hallucinogenic side effects of great death metal and grindcore albums before…but even so I was hardly prepared for this soul rampage.  It’s not because it’s the most br00t41 thing this side of cutting tin with a chain saw—no, there’s melody woven into this chainmail blanket of angry hatefuckery.

In fact, it is precisely this use of melody that makes the reptile beast, jerking off and eye-fucking saggy-titted old ladies on the train, need to kill.  The melody homes in like a laser sight on that dull lizard lolling about in your lower brain and then drops about fifty billion metric shit-tons of grrarrrfuckshitpissraaaaawrrdetroyyourfuckingfacerrrrr brutality right on that stupid tongue flicking motherfucker.  Pure, goddamn obliteration.  Total fucking wasteland.

Unfortunately, not all brain-lizards really care much for the brains within which they dwell.  Mine hates me more than those stupid fucking worthless pieces of shit the Westboro Baptist Nuttybars hate Bert and Ernie.  And, apparently, so does Aborted. Continue reading »

AN NCS INTERVIEW: SEAN GOLYER

 Interviews, Phro's Posts  8 Responses »
Jan 022012
 

EDITOR’S NOTE:  Phro gets serious. Using Jesper Zuretti’s recent opinion piece as the inspiration, he interviews budding producer/engineer Sean Golyer, and the result is one of the most informative and articulate interviews we’ve published. You’ll see references in the interview to Oak Pantheon’s 2011 release, The Void. We’ve written about that EP a couple of times, most recently here. To hear more of Sean’s work, he has a SoundCloud page at this location.

Phro’s note: A few days ago, Jesper Zuretti provided No Clean Singing with an excellent opinion piece on the song quality vs recording quality debate.  (Or maybe he sparked the debate?)  I noticed some comments written by Sean Goyler (producer for Oak Pantheon’s excellent The Void) and was interested in getting a different perspective.  This interview was conducted via e-mail, so if some things seem out of place, my apologies.  While I don’t think Sean is deviating all that greatly from Jesper’s main points, I do think he has some great things to add to the conversation.

 ********

Is there anything about yourself that you think readers should know to help us get a better view from your perspective? 

I’m just another Midwestern American guy who really loves his metal. I grew up on classic rock and folk in the suburbs of Minneapolis, MN and was turned to the dark side of music during my latter years of high school. It started innocently enough with power metal and sludge but has since taken me into the realms of extreme metal, doom, post-metal, crust, and countless other genres and sub-genres. Around the same time in high school I was introduced to some friends who would later come to form Oak Pantheon, a small independent metal band that released its first EP in July of 2011 and is currently working on our debut full-length album. Continue reading »

WHAT PHRO IS WATCHING ON NEW YEAR’S EVE

 IQ Subtraction, Phro's Posts  47 Responses »
Dec 312011
 


It’s nearly 11 p.m. on New Year’s Eve in Japan.

Phro has started drinking.  I can’t tell whether he’s already passed his limit or whether he needs to drink a shitload more.  He sent me these two videos.

You remember Babymetal, don’t you?  How could you forget.  I’ve been trying, but my psychotherapist says I need to work harder at it.  The new video is the same goddamn “Doki Doki Morning” song, but this time the Babymetal teeny boppers are dancing and throwing the goat.

The other video is from the same chick who did that PonPonPon video.  I’m ashamed I even know that. This is all Phro’s fault.

It’s not even 6 a.m. here in Seattle.  I now need to get fucked up fast, but 6 a.m. seems just a tad on the early side.  I’m screwed.

Believe me, there WILL be a palette cleanser soon . . . Continue reading »

THE GREAT VOMITORIUM IN THE SKY

 Phro's Posts  12 Responses »
Dec 302011
 

(Phro remembers a few metal greats who left this world in 2011. He assures me that he in no way means disrespect to the departed or their bereaved families — this is just his Phro-like way of saying “Thanks for the rocking!”)

Last night, after forcing a pony to snort enough coke to kill an elephant and then drinking the O.D.ed pony’s blood, I passed out in a pond of vomited up pony blood and enchiladas.  (Nothing helps pony blood go down like Mexican food!)  And, like Paul fallen off his horse on the road to Damascus, I was visited by a savior: Seth Putnam.

“What the Virgin Mary’s bloody tampon??  Seth Putnam??  I though you were fucking dead!  Are you here to rape my dirty nose?”

He laughed like an angel (an angel who’d just woken up after doing a speedball out of a hooker’s torn anus, but an angel none the less.)

“Well, my child, that is true…I am dead.”

“Son of a…I knew that last pint was too fucking much.  Motherfucker.  So, I’m dead too and you’re here to take  me to hell?”

He laughed again.  This time it was more like the mirth of a child watching his or her first Tijuana donkey show.

“No, not at all!  I’m here to reveal my gospel to you to share with all the world!”

I punched myself in the dick to see if I was dreaming.  (A little pinch is nothing when you’re on pony blood—you need to inflict real pain.)  I screamed like a little kid seeing Sandusky’s face on TV.  At least I knew I wasn’t dreaming.  After panting in agony for a while, I regained composure and wheezed out a question.

“What’s…urg…your…gaaaa…gospel…uhhhrrrr…?” Continue reading »

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