“THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 19): THE BABES WITH BLADES AND BACKWASH EDITION (and a new definition of monogamy)

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Oct 242010
 

We don’t surf the internet much. It’s not like we’re morally opposed to the practice. Just not enough fucking time. About the only time we do it is when we go on the hunt for news items for THAT’S METAL!, and even then we usually stick to news sites. But for today’s post we made an exception, and did some actual web-surfing.

It was a reminder of how much shit there is out there, and the cosmically wide variety of weird interests people have. (And no, extreme metal is not a weird interest. It’s good, wholesome fun.) You should see some of the whacked-out, asylum-quality crap we skipped over in looking for THAT’s METAL! material. Actually, you shouldn’t, at least not on our time.

So, here we go. Three items that made us say “That’s Metal!”, even though it wasn’t music.

FIRST ITEM

Our first item is a video involving a little minx called Baroness Mischa. It’s possible that Baroness Mischa isn’t really a baroness. But she can swallow three-foot long swords. She also contributes percussion and vocals, under the name “Hemlock Hex”, for an Australian “mechano-erotic” industrial band called Psych Carni. She swallows swords for them, too.

She’s also a contortionist. Who contorts herself while swallowing swords. Yes, we do believe this is fucking metal.  (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 18)

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Oct 172010
 

We’ve been running these “THAT’S METAL!” posts since January, and we’re moderately proud of our ability to find attention-grabbing news items and images that make us exclaim “That’s Metal!”, even though it’s not music. But we have been humbled by our brutal brethren at the Netherlands-based metal blog, Death Metal Baboon. In one fell swoop (or, as the Dutch say, in one swell foop), DMB has found something that puts all our previous efforts to shame.

As explained in a recent DMB post, a religious event called The Vegetarian Festival is now in full swing on the island of Phuket in southern Thailand. (We believe that name is pronounced poo-ket, but fuckit, the pronunciation doesn’t really matter for our purposes.) This festival involves some unusual forms of religious observation. As explained in this article on one of the Phuket web sites:

The Phuket Vegetarian Festival and its rituals are thought by many to bring good fortune to religious followers. Phuket residents of Chinese ancestry, called Hokkien Chinese, follow a strict vegan or vegetarian diet for 10 days for the purposes of merit-making and spiritual cleansing. This is accompanied by sacred rituals at Chinese temples and shrines around the island. Stalls of vegan food are set up throughout Phuket City, and even non-vegans will be suitably impressed by the delicious selection.

Perhaps the most visual of these rituals are the displays of extreme body piercings with large objects that can range from knives to umbrellas. Devotees, called ma song, may even partake in walking over hot coals barefoot or climbing up ladders that have rungs made of knife blades. Visitors can see the ma song walking in their trances during long parades through the streets on every day of the festival.

As DMB further explained, festival-goers also set off thousands of fireworks — and apparently stand as close as they can when the explosions go off, apparently because impaling your cheeks with large objects isn’t painful enough and needs to be accompanied by bleeding eardrums and third-degree burns.

What can we say? This is fucking metal — in a completely demented, self-mutilating way.  DMB displayed a large collection of stomach-turning photos from the festival — but there are more, and we have them, because we know you really would like to have your stomach turned, because why else are you still reading this post after seeing the photo at the top?

So, grab yourself a bucket in case you feel the urge to spew a little, and follow along with us after the jump, as we add our own special narrative travelogue to the pics . . . Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 17)

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Oct 102010
 

Fair warning: We kinda went overboard with this edition of “THAT’S METAL!” We decided it was time to peak into the awful world outside our metallic island home, just briefly, just long enough to find a couple of news items that would make us say, “Shit! That’s metal!”, even though it’s not music. And we just kept coming across bizarre stories, one after another. Rather than attempt to winnow down the items we found, we just decided to put them all in here. We realized that you could stop reading if it got to be too much.

Because we have so many items today, let’s just jump right in without further ado. There’s no charge for our accompanying commentary.

ITEM ONE

Halloween is fast approaching, and Halloween is one of our favorite nights of the year. One reason we like Halloween so much is because of pumpkins. Big, fucking pumpkins carved to resemble ghoulish heads, with candles inside that cause them to emit a hellish glow through the carved eyes and mouths. In this first item, we have a pumpkin lover’s wet dream.

1,674-pound SD pumpkin just shy of world record

October 8, 2010
The Associated Press

This pumpkin weighs nearly enough to be Cinderella’s coach. South Dakota farmer Kevin Marsh of Parker knows his 1,674-pound pumpkin isn’t pretty – it’s won an ugliest pumpkin award at a Colorado event. But it’s also only 51 pounds shy of the world record listed by the Great Pumpkin Commonwealth.

A 1,674-pound pumpkin is fucking metal, don’t you think? But so is the idea of a Great Pumpkin Commonwealth. I would like to visit the Great Pumpkin Commonwealth. I might even like to become a citizen.  I bet the national anthem is a metal song.  (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 16): THE SPERM AND SPACE EDITION

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Oct 032010
 

We’re in a bit of a hurry this morning, so we’ve only got two stories for you in this installment of THAT’S METAL!, but they’re doozies.

By now, you know the drill: We periodically leave the world of metal to see what’s happening in what some misguided souls call “the real world” — that is, the fucked-up world that surrounds us but that we here at NCS do our best to ignore most of the time. We look for news items that cause us to exclaim, “Fuck! That’s metal!” — even though it’s not music.

Our two stories for this installment of the series are connected (or at least in our cross-eyed view of things, they seem connected). You’ll see why we think that. Also, they allowed us to continue using alliteration in our post sub-titles for this series, and that makes us happy. So does pulling the wings off flies.

As usual, we’ll include our own ignorantly juvenile and utterly tasteless commentary along with the news reports themselves.

ITEM ONE

This first piece of attention-grabbing news was brought to our attention by the sharp-eyed ElvisShotJFK, one of our regular commentators here at NCS. The original story seems to have broken much earlier in the year, but it’s just too damned juicy to pass up. With a headline like this, how could we possibly ignore it?

Oral Sex, a Knife Fight and Then Sperm Still Impregnated Girl

(more after the jump . . . and you know you can’t resist reading more) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 15): THE DOGS AND DOUCHEBAGS EDITION

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Sep 182010
 

We were so happy that our precious web site survived the Bluehost debacle yesterday with all our data intact that we decided to creep forth from our informational no-fly zone into what some deluded people call the real world and sniff around for news items that would cause us to think, “shit, that’s metal!” We shielded our eyes from the grotesque headlines that continue to dominate the “hard news” and began the search . . .

And in almost no time we hit a trifecta! First, we found two recent items that concern events right here in the Pacific Northwest (which is already becoming depressingly waterlogged with premature seepage from the sky). Second, the stories we found enabled us to continue using alliterative titles for these THAT’S METAL! posts. And third, one of them involves BOTH dogs AND douchebags. Win! Win! Win!

So, here are our two stories for this installment: One involves an intrepid dog that pulled off a truly amazing feat of aerodynamic skill at Crater Lake that enabled him to survive the negligent douchbaggery of his owners. The other involves a self-inflicted acid bath that became the basis for a truly egregious lie. We’re stretching to call this second story “metal”. In fact, upon reflection, it’s really just unadulterated douchebaggery.

As usual, we’re supplementing these stories with our usual, ignorantly juvenile and completely tasteless commentary, plus suitable musical accompaniment.

ITEM ONE

This story requires a little background information for those who don’t live in the Pacific Northwest: Crater Lake is a remarkable natural formation in Oregon. It’s a body of water that filled up the caldera of a collapsed volcano that was formed about 7,700 years ago. It’s almost 2,000 feet deep (594 meters), making it the second-deepest lake in North America and the ninth deepest in the world, and it’s 5-6 miles (8-10 km) in diameter.  (more detail, possibly more entertaining, after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 14): THE QUILTS AND CLAMPS EDITION

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Sep 102010
 

It’s been a while since we featured anyone in a THAT’S METAL! post that we actually admired. Instead, it’s been Serbians who cook testicles, guys whose dogs chew off their big toes or get shot in the head and are so wasted they don’t notice, and dudes who get gored in the scrotum by angry bulls. Sure, all that stuff, and more like it, made us exclaim, “Shit! That’s Metal!”, but not really in an admiring way.

Come to think of it, we did admire that bull who spent his last few minutes on earth rampaging through a packed grandstand of yokels in Spain who were being entertained by the bull’s torment. But still, that was a bull, not a person.

Today, we’re giving a shout-out to a person here in Seattle who’s done something metal that doesn’t involve personal injury or rank stupidity. Her name is Boo Davis, and that’s her at the top of the post. But because we know you’ve come to expect some brutality and sarcastic commentary in your THAT’S METAL! posts, we’ve paired up her story with one that involves electrified nipple clamps.

Now, you know you want to continue reading after the jump, and who’s stopping you? If you need a cookie for your efforts, we don’t have any, but we do have some musical accompaniment . . . Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” – BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 13): THE BULLETS, BALLS, AND BEEHIVES EDITION

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Aug 302010
 

Can you tell that we like alliteration? The last “That’s Metal!” post was subtitled “The Bull, Boobs, and Beer Edition”. Maybe next time we’ll move on to the C’s, or backwards to the A’s. Or not.

Yes, here we are again, having crept forth with trepidation from our comfy informational cocoon to see what might be happening in the outer world — the world inhabited by people who don’t listen to metal and instead blow themselves and others to smithereens, sodomize the planet, debate the wisdom of government regulation as if it were a brand new subject, hang on the every word of vapid celebrities, and so on, ad nauseum. You know the world we’re talking about: the one we live in.

This is why, to the greatest extent possible, we try to get our news only from metal blogs. But every now and then, we have to wade through the festering putridity of “hard news” in order to find those little nuggets of life that make us say, “Fuck! That’s metal!”, even though it’s not music. And life never fails to reward our searching.

Today, we have news items about people who get shot in the head and don’t realize it (for five years), a testicle-cooking contest, and a dog with a cast-iron stomach. Of course, we’re including our typically tasteless commentary, plus musical accompaniment.

Also, it occurred to us that our musical accompaniment should precede the stories, instead of being lumped together at the end, as we’ve been doing.  ‘Cause if you listen to music after you’ve finished reading, it’s not really “accompaniment,” is it? This is typical. We usually have these kinds of revelations after the train has left the station. And is long out of sight.  (more after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

METAL FOOD = FOOD COMA

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Aug 282010
 

One of the many things we like about the comments on this site is that you never know where they’re going. They can start on one subject and finish in an entirely different place. Usually, they stay within the bounds of music, but not always.

Yesterday provided a good example. One string of comments started with Goatwhore and finished with a burger recipe. No shit.

And not just any burger recipe. This one came by way of Dutch metal blogger Niek, and included cheese-onion rolls, fried egg, bacon, gouda cheese, and a pineapple slice. And here’s what Niek’s finished product looked like:

Well, that just looked and sounded so fucking good that I had to try and duplicate it, right down to the Grolsch beer in Niek’s photo. Our results are at the top of this post, and the story is after the jump, along with suitable musical accompaniment. Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 12): THE BULL, BOOBS, and BEER EDITION

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Aug 212010
 

A mental chime reminded me that it was about time for another edition of “THAT’S METAL!“. Or it could have been the microwave announcing the readiness of another gourmet meal. Or possibly the sound of a beer can hitting a stack of empties.

Anyway, I decided it was time to venture timidly forth from my carefully maintained informational cocoon into the fearsome world of, gulp, hard news, to see if there might be something that would cause me to exclaim, “Shit! That’s metal!”, even though it’s not about music.

Sure enough, I found a few items — even though I had to wade through some typically depressing news about shit like wars, unemployment, environmental catastrophe, legislative stalemate, and crime, to get there. I try hard to remain ignorant about current events because it’s so fucking depressing/nauseating. But duty to our readers trumps depression and nausea every time!

I did find some nuggets in the cesspool of current events though. They involve a bull leaping a wall and rampaging through seated fans at a bullfight, new ways in which boobs can be used to score some quick cash, and driving without a license — and without a tire.

And of course, we include our usual tasteless commentary plus musical accompaniment  (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 11): THE TOE SNACK EDITION

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Aug 082010
 

Usually when we put together these “That’s Metal!” posts, we collect an assortment of news items from a random day’s worth of reporting. But today’s piece of news is just so fucking over-the-top that we think it deserves to stand alone, without being diluted with any other stories.

It’s really a classic example of something that isn’t music but made us exclaim “Shit, that’s metal!” It’s so bizarre that there’s probably an even chance you’ve already seen it. So we’ll try to spice it up with some tasteless commentary, and of course, we’ve chosen some musical accompaniment that will follow the story.

When we saw the piece, it appeared under the following headline:

Dog chews off Michigan man’s toe, saves his life

Wed Aug 4, 4:47 pm ET

DETROIT (Reuters) – A Michigan man credited his dog with saving his life by chewing off his diseased big toe as he lay passed out in a drunken stupor.

(Bet that got your attention. More after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

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