“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 10): THE SURVIVOR EDITION

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  6 Responses »
Jul 282010
 

Yes, your worst fears have been realized. No metal news today, no album or concert reviews, no interviews. Just another edition of this feature, where we share with you recent news stories that made us say: “Fuck! That’s Metal!” — even though it’s got nothing to do with music — along with our tasteless editorial observations.

Writing these “That’s Metal!” posts isn’t easy. We actually have to browse the hard news to find this stuff. We have to wade through the stories that actually make headlines in newspapers, which is pretty fucking depressing. We don’t like being depressed, which is why writing this ongoing feature is pretty much the only reason we read the news anymore. We do it all for you.

We don’t do this on any regular schedule. It just depends on how long it takes to build up the fortitude necessary to go back to the real world long enough to find this shit. All the stories featured in today’s post came from news reports we saw on a single day (yesterday), and as usual, most of the them came from the crack investigative journalism available in our local paper, The Seattle Times.

There’s a theme to today’s round-up: Survival. Well, all except the story that’s associated with the photo at the top of this post. That one we included just because we needed an image that would catch your eye right off the bat. The story is pretty fucking funny, and there’s a video that goes with it. But you’ll have to wade through the Survival stories to get to it.

Oh yeah, we picked some smokin’ musical accompaniment for today’s features, just so’s you don’t get bored, cuz we know you have short attention spans, just like we do.  Follow along with us (after the jump). Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’s NOT MUSIC (No. 9): THE SCROTUM EDITION

 IQ Subtraction, Mosh Pit, That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  16 Responses »
Jul 142010
 

I don’t read the daily newspaper near as much as I used to.  At some point I realized that the daily news could make me feel good or it could make me feel bad, but there was almost nothing I could do about it. So without ever making a conscious decision, I subconsciously decided that I could better spend my time taking care of my family, enjoying my friends, and battering myself with massive amounts of metal.

So, basically, I became one of those jaded, self-absorbed people I used to detest.

But every now and then, without any rhyme or reason, I’ll check out the daily paper here in Seattle — which I did yesterday. And I found so many ass-ripping stories that if I were a religious person, I’d think the gods were sending me a signal — that it’s time for another installment of “That’s Metal!”, where we write about shit that provokes that exclamation, even though it’s not music. Not quite the magnitude of the burning bush, but still, enough to get me pounding the keyboard.

Most of today’s installment isn’t about “metal” things that inspire admiration. It’s mainly about people who engage in brain-dead activities that remind us of stage-divers who end their acrobatics with a face-plant into the concrete. You wince, but you still gotta throw some horns in honor of the sheer insanity, while also hoping that those people don’t turn out to be breeders.

And to top it off, our daily news involved stories about scrotum damage.  Admit it, there are few things better than scrotal humor, except possibly vaginal humor.  And as a bonanza, we found some vaginal humor, too.  (yeah, all the details are after the jump, of course . . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 8)

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  14 Responses »
Jun 302010
 

(Two months passed between installment No. 6 of this series and installment No. 7 — but now we’ve got No. 8 only a week after the last one. For any newcomers out there, this series is about things we see that make us say “Shit! That’s metal!” — even though it’s not music.  And the entire installment we’re featuring today (the idea, the writing, and the song choices we’ll be streaming at the end of the post) have been supplied by Aaron, one of our readers and frequent commenters. And it’s called . . . .)

“GATOR BOY”

I’m sure most of you have read the last “That’s Metal – But It’s Not Music,” featuring the naked woman who stole 2 cars, gave the cops the “slip,” and got tasered? [If you haven’t, use this link.] Most of you would have to agree – that lady has ovaries of steel. Now it’s time for a new edition, featuring a man with balls made of stone.

Taken from page 36 of the news section in the Toronto Sun paper (yes, I’m Canadian — metal things happen here too), a headline reads “Gator Swim gets Florida man arrested”.

Yes, he got arrested. Eric Ross actually lived to tell the tale, which is surprising, considering this report:

“Tour boat captain Kenneth Clineman said Ross, 37, refused to return to the boat.”

And yes, Ross knew the waters were alligator-infested. Ross even told reporters it was his lifelong dream to “Swim with the alligators.”  What the fuck?

(more about this unwarranted interference with Natural Selection after the jump, plus some songs to hear . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL!” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 7)

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  6 Responses »
Jun 252010
 

It’s been a while since our last installment in this series. In case you’ve forgotten, or you’re a newcomer, every now and then we come across something that isn’t music, but still makes us think, “Shit! That’s metal!”

We’ve got a hell of an example for you today. Over the last 24 hours, this story has been picked up with gusto by various news organs, all trying to outdo each other with eye-catching headlines. Here’s one example:

Naked Woman Steals Car, Gives Utah Cops the “Slip,” Gets Tasered, Say Cops

As attention-grabbing as that headline is, it still doesn’t do justice to the full story — which we will now give you, along with our editorial comments, a video report, and a little musical accompaniment. For the basic facts, we’re combining the versions of the story as reported in Salt Lake City’s daily newspaper, The Deseret News, and by CBS News. Here goes:

WEST VALLEY CITY — A naked woman stole two vehicles, including a police squad car, crashed both vehicles and was Tasered before being arrested Tuesday morning by West Valley police.

The bizarre series of events began at about 5 a.m. in West Jordan. A man was posting advertising signs along state Route 111 and was outside of his vehicle when a 31-year-old woman pulled up next to him and got out of her car, said West Valley Police Capt. Tom McLachlan.

“Unique thing about that was that, uh she was not wearing any clothes,” McLachlan said.

Some dudes live their whole lives without ever having a naked woman approach them. Many of them listen to metal. And you can imagine what this dude’s first thought must have been. But it didn’t last long, because:  (more of this bizarro story after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 6)

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  No Responses »
Apr 182010
 


Mother Nature has reached out her hand and swatted a large portion of the world up-side the head, provoking us to say, “Shit! That’s Metal” (though it’s not music). So, here’s another of our irregular installments on that subject. And at the end, we’ll let you listen to some music from Iceland (and no, it won’t be “Bjork” — which is almost exactly the sound we’ve made on those blessedly rare occasions when we’ve heard her music).

Iceland, a nation of 320,000 people, sits on a large volcanic hot spot in the Atlantic’s mid-oceanic ridge. Last week, southern Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull (ay-yah-FYAH’-plah-yer-kuh-duhl) volcano began erupting for the second time in a month, sending ash several miles into the air, and winds have pushed the plume south and east across Britain, Ireland, Scandinavia and into the heart of Europe.

Yes, bits of Iceland are now all over Europe, and probably all over the world. Now you don’t have to go there to bring a little bit of Iceland home to you. It’s probably in your yard or sitting on your windowsill right now!

In turn, all that ash in the air has caused the grounding of planes on a huge scale, stranding tens of thousands of passengers in airports throughout Europe and causing the cancellation of numerous in-bound international flights, not to mention the cancellation by metal bands of scheduled European gigs.

In Iceland itself, torrents of water have carried away chunks of ice the size of small houses. More floods from melting waters are expected as long as the volcano keeps erupting – and in 1821, the same volcano managed to erupt for more than a year.

(more after the jump, including a few more photos and that music we promised . . .) Continue reading »

CATZ

 Mosh Pit, That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  12 Responses »
Mar 072010
 

I try to stay grymm. This is an extreme metal blog, after all. Brooding and scowling are the order of the day, except when we take a break for attempts at humor — which necessarily have to be tasteless or sarcastic. Problem is, I have a weakness for cats. I have a cat — or to be more accurate, I share a cat. He’s about 17 years old and a big part of my day. That makes me a little insecure, because as pets go, I have this nagging worry that cats aren’t considered metal, not like a Doberman or a pit bull or a wolfhound.

I got a little bit of an ego boost when I read Issue #62 (Dec 2009) of Decibel. It included an article called “The Cutest Kitties in Metal.” The article consisted of seven pages of dudes from metal bands with their cats, with photos and affectionate commentary from the dudes about their cats. That made me feel a little more metal about my own cat thing.

But that was a couple months ago, and I’ve started feeling insecure again about my metalness. Like when I saw the photo above and started laughing. I don’t even know why I’m making that confession.  Lolcats are not metal. I know that. I don’t even know why I’m putting this post together. Trying to justify my cat weakness I guess, at the risk that you readers will think this post is a complete, bullshit waste of space and time.

But fuck it, the die is cast. In for a dime, in for a dollar. Tomorrow we’ll have a post ready on some divergently awesome new music, but today, I’m afraid it’s all catz.

So, the cat above isn’t metal.  But what about this?  (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 5)

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  No Responses »
Mar 042010
 

People with manners don’t make fun of tragic deaths. We’re not those kind of people. Here’s how we think about it:

(a)  Dead people are — well, they’re dead. So they sure as hell won’t mind if we have some fun at their expense.
(b) Their relatives and friends might be offended, but they’re never going to see this post. And if they do, well, sorry for your loss, and all that shit.
(c) And as for you readers, if you’re the kind of person who gets all weepy over the tragic death of someone you don’t know, you probably don’t listen to extreme metal and you sure as hell don’t spend your time at this site.

So, with that bullshit out of the way, it’s time for another installment of “That’s Metal” — But It’s Not Music. And today’s topic is people who have recently died in ways that are metal. 

Not all manners of death are metal. For example, dying in your sleep, having a fatal heart attack while jogging, choking to death on a chicken bone, or bleeding out your bunghole from rectal cancer — those aren’t metal ways to die. But over the last couple weeks, we’ve come across some news reports of tragic deaths that are definitely metal.  (to see what we mean, read on after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 4)

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  No Responses »
Feb 122010
 

The week is almost over, and it’s been a good one for us.  We discovered Shining and Thrudvangar — and we also came across some random, eye-catching visual stuff that gives us an excuse for another installment of our irregular feature called “That’s Metal” — But It’s Not Music.

That visual stuff (photos and videos) happened to fall more or less neatly into the theme of “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles” — and each item struck us as being pretty fucking metal, even though it’s not music.  So, what the hell, we thought we’d share.

First up: Automobiles. Or more accurately roads where you can drive automobiles. This example came our way via the blog of Steff Metal, our favorite metal maven from the Antipodes. Her “Linking Horn” feature consistently turns us on to interesting shit we’d never otherwise see.

Case in point: The 19 Most Complex and Dangerous Roads in the World. Follow that link and you’ll see photos of some breathtaking roadways, like the one above — the Stelvio Pass Road in the Eastern Alps of Italy. It’s got 48 hairpin turns at an altitude of 1.7 miles above sea level. Or check out the next photo (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 3)

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  2 Responses »
Feb 012010
 

In today’s installment of our irregular featured called “That’s Metal” — But It’s Not Music, we’re focusing on two fiery European festivals, both of which we stumbled on at Boston.com.

First up: Up Helly Aa

This festival celebrates the influence of the Scandinavian vikings in the Shetland Islands of Scotland, marking the end of the yule season. The event culminates with up to 1,000 “guizers” (men dressed up as Vikings) throwing flaming torches into a Viking longship. Seems that this theme has been used at the festival since 1870. Of course it has. How can you improve on perfection?

This burning-the-Viking-galley event happens all over Shetland, but it’s only in Lerwick (situs of the photos from the January 26 installment that we’re featuring in this post) where the galley isn’t sent seaward. Everywhere else, the flaming galley goes into the sea, in an echo of actual Viking sea burials.

So, why do we think this is metal?  Well, first off, it’s called Up Helly Aa. That just sounds metal, particularly if you imagine screaming it at the top of your lungs while carrying a torch and jammin’ on some Amon Amarth.

And besides, can’t you just imagine how this thing got started?  “Hey dude! It’s the end of the fucking holidays. We need to have a special blowout!  I know! Let’s drink a few tankards of mead, dress up like fucking Vikings, and go set some shit on fire!”  Now that’s metal, isn’t it?

Now, don’t stop here. There’s more fiery craziness on display after the jump . . . Continue reading »

“THAT’S METAL” — BUT IT’S NOT MUSIC (No. 2)

 That's Metal -- But It's Not Music  4 Responses »
Jan 222010
 

Good morning class! My, you’re all looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed today! Today’s lesson is about woodpeckers.

Billy, I see your hand is up. Do you need to use the restroom or do you have a question?

Well, yes Billy, I can explain why we’re talking about “fucking woodpeckers” today instead of extreme metal — but I’ll ask you please not to use that kind of language with teacher in the future.  The reason we’re talking about woodpeckers is because I’m feeling like a real lazy-ass and was not up to preparing anything worthwhile today we sometimes take a break from discussing the wonders of extreme metal and instead discuss things that are “metal,” but aren’t music. And woodpeckers are definitely metal.

No, Billy you little shit, woodpeckers are not metal because their name includes the words “wood” and “pecker.” And I really don’t appreciate your giving me the finger. If you’ll bear with me, I’m going to explain exactly why woodpeckers are metal, and in fact I’m going to show the class a video that will surprise and astound you.

But before showing the video, I want to give you some background. And Billy, to put it in words that even you will understand, this information might actually be something you could use to impress your friends with your erudition — unless of course they’re already convinced you’re a useless fucktard and nothing you can say will make any difference. Or maybe your friends are mainly useless fucktards who aren’t interested in, or capable of comprehending, anything that doesn’t relate pretty directly to beer, weed, pizza, or sex/masturbation. (more of the lesson after the jump . . .) Continue reading »

 Older Entries  Newer Entries