Are you planning to watch any of the Winter Olympics on TV? If you are, do you plan to mute your TV and listen to extreme metal instead of those annoying TV commentators? What do you think would be the most appropriate metal accompaniment for Winter Olympic events? Yeah, we thought the same thing: Viking metal.

But are any of the Winter Olympic events really metal? Biathlon comes close. People ski really fast cross-country and periodically have to stop and blast away with rifles at tiny little targets. Skeleton also comes close — you lie on your stomach atop a small, rickety-looking contraption and race face-first down a course at about 100 miles an hour.

But none of the official events is as metal as the one invented by The Onion: Snøkåathlaan

In typical fashion, The Onion provides all sorts of history and detail about Snøkåathlaan, including trail maps like the one above and the one we’ll show you after the jump, plus features on some “Snøkåathlletes To Watch.”  For example:

SNØRRI SNØRRISSON (SWEDEN): This intimidating competitor is unparalleled on the steeper slopes, is the best axman in the event, once fashioned a sled from the rib cage of his extra dog and, according to Norse naming conventions, is his own father

PYOTR “THE CANNIBAL” GLADKOVSKY (RUSSIA): One of the last Cold War-era Olympians and a true survivor, Gladkovsky’s only weakness is a tendency to gain weight proportional to the number of men who go missing in a given race

The description of what the sport actually consists of is a bit vague, but here’s what we’ve pieced together so far (after the jump . . .) Continue reading »