(Here we have a tender letter from guest contributor Phro to Tori Amos, who seems to have riled up metalheads far and wide with THIS.)

Dear Tori Amos,

Don’t take this the wrong way, but who are you?

I’m guessing you think you’re pretty important… Which maybe you are. But either way I have no idea who you are. Oh! Wait! Are you the little puppy who sang about ironic things in the 90s? …Or was it apples? I’m pretty sure there was a woman singer who sang about stuff. I know you’re not the nice lady who was God. And the Google image search gave me a red head instead of a cute blonde, so you’re not Jewel…well, I’m at a loss.

Anyway, this is a letter for you.  I hope it will justify your sense of importance.  By the way, this might seem like it was written for a five year old, but that’s only so it’s easy to understand for you.

Anyway, apparently you have challenged metal. Which…what…when…where…who?  Who, exactly, do you think that is? Limp Bizkit? I mean I may not know who you are, but I also don’t issue challenges to  random…umm…things, because that’d just be weird. (You know music can’t hear or read, right? I mean, technically, it doesn’t even exist since it’s just sounds waves, but let’s keep this at the five year old level.) Continue reading »