(The following post was written by guest contributor Happy Metal Guy.)

The unmetal have risen. How protected are you from them?

Only ignorant fools decry the severity—or even the existence—of the unmetal plague. This handy article is your key to surviving the metalocalypse, and hopefully it will enable you to make it through young enough to revitalize the human gene pool. Make haste, for every second you waste in contemplating the validity of this article is a second gained for the cunning horde out there that is always actively seeking out ways to infect you. Everything you need to know to safeguard yourself and your loved ones against the ravenous unmetal can be found here through 10 unproven, fishy-sounding tips. Don’t be an ignorant fool, this article can save your life.

1. Learn to spot the signs!

Prevention is the best cure—this cliché aphorism never made more sense in today’s unmetal epidemic. Argonium may be an untreatable virus at the moment, but Mother Nature is not without her sadistic sense of humor. Thank Lemmy that she’s kind enough to throw in all those obvious symptoms to warn us of infected individuals, which ranges from body graffiti such as tattooed Chinese characters whose bearers usually don’t even know their meanings, to severely gauged earlobes (that seem to serve the purpose of encouraging another form of alternative copulation) and faux hawk or “tsunami” hairstyles, to name just a few off the foremost atoms atop the needle-sharp tip of the Titanic-sized iceberg. In summary, the gist is that the most commonly seen members of the unmetal can have appearances that lean to either end of the following two extremes: resembling either Frankie Palmeri or Andy Biersack. The special infected, however, are a more dangerous and cunning breed and will be discussed last in this article. Continue reading »